


The Owl House and The Mystery Shack

by Cartoon_Idiot_59



Category: Gravity Falls, The Owl House (Cartoon)
Genre: August December romance, Bisexuality, Canon-Typical Cosmic Horror, Canon-Typical Violence, Cheating, Consensual Underage Sex, F/F, F/M, Gambling, Indecent exposure, Lesbian Sex, Nudity, Older Characters, Public Nudity, Teen Crush
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:28:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 18
Words: 29,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27658166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cartoon_Idiot_59/pseuds/Cartoon_Idiot_59
Summary: Just my take on the whole Eda is Marilyn deal.
Relationships: Eda Clawthorne/Stan Pines, Luz & the Pines twins (in her head), Pacifica Northwest/Dipper Pines
Comments: 88
Kudos: 123





	1. The Owl House

**Author's Note:**

> Scene setting. It's a start.

Luz, Eda and King were leaving the covention center, to avoid any further…entanglements. Luz spoke. “Sister? Now that’s a mysterious past payoff!”

“Oh, you think that’s all the mystery I got? Wait until you hear about my parents.” Eda replied.

“What? You’ve got parents? I need to know more!” Luz said.

“You very much don’t!” Put in King.

“I hate to agree with the fuzzball, but he’s right. Let’s save my parents for another day.” Eda said, as the trio walked down the streets of Bonesborough, King ensconced in Luz’s tote bag. “Lets see. Mysteries. Oh! I was married once!”

“I really need to know more!” Luz exclaimed.

“Didn’t really count. It was on your side, over in the human realm.” Eda explained. Across the street, a large bird snatched a fairly buff elf, who stabbed it with his pointy hat and was released. Just another day in the Boiling Isles. The airways clear, the group mounted Owlbert and flew off towards the Owl House.

“You were saying….?” Luz prompted. “You married a human?”

“Yeah. It happened in, what’s-it’s-name, Vay gas. I only did it to rob him blind, got his winnings and almost got away with his rectangular box on wheelies deal. He was cute, in a dumb way. He could cheat almost as good as me! Only ex I kinda regret, y’know?” Eda said.

“Couldn’t be worse than her last boyfriend.” Muttered King.

“Hey! Warden Wrath didn’t count! That wasn’t a breakup!” Eda argued.

“Did I mention the warden? No, I didn’t!” King countered. They landed at the Owl House.

“HALT! WHO GOES THERE?!” shouted the owl in the door, in a voice somewhere between nails on a chalkboard and squeaking balloons.

“Hooty, I’m in no mood for this! I had to put up with my sister today! Open up, or I’ll rearrange all the holes in your face!” Eda complained.

“That’s a great idea!’ King opined. ”Do it anyway!”

“You never want to have any fun! Okay!” Hooty said, granting access to his inside. Eda sprawled on the couch. Luz joined her. King grabbed Francois and set his head on Luz’s lap so she could scratch his skull.

“Eda?” Luz said. “If you regret it, maybe you should find him! How romantic! True love, finding a way!”

“It’d never work, kid. A witch and a human? That’s like, I dunno, apples and oranges? King! Go get me a cup of apple blood!” Eda ordered.

King had rolled over and was getting his tummy scratched. “Get it yourself! I’m too comfortable!”

“Rent?” threatened Eda.

“Fine, fine, I’ll do it! Slave-driver! I don’t know, king of demons, don’t get any respect…' King’s litany of complaints faded as he trotted to the kitchen.

“A witch and a human could work! You never know until you try! You said that a human couldn’t do magic and look at me!” Luz argued. King returned, with a brimming cup of apple blood in Eda’s 'Thirty and Flirty' mug.

“Here! Happy? Can I go back to what I was doing now?” King snapped, clambering back to his place in Luz’s lap.

“Yeah, sure. I could do with a little less attitude, though.” Eda responded.

“You knew what you were getting when we agreed to live together! Sheesh! Do you believe her, Luz?” King asked.

“ I think you both knew what you were getting!” Luz said. “So, what do you say, Eda? Do you want to go see your ex-husband and give true love another try?”

“I’ll tell you what, kid. I don’t believe in true love any farther than I could throw it, but I wouldn’t mind seeing the old scoundrel again. Since your first covention was a bust, I’ll throw you a bone! We’ll check it out. Human treasure day is coming early!” Eda reached into her mare’s nest of hair and pulled out the key to the human realm. She concentrated on the idea of her ex, pressed the key and the door unfolded from it’s briefcase form.

Luz wasn’t about to admit that she didn’t think her first covention was a bust. She got to see Willow and Gus again, she thinks that she made some headway with Amity, she learned a LOT about the Boiling Isles and learned that Eda had a sister! It had been a good day! And now, she was on a mission to reunite Eda with her ex! She also wouldn’t mind a little time back home, where hardly anyone wanted to eat her skin.

In the human realm, the door opened from a huge pine tree. Luz found herself in a lush pine forest. She wasn’t particularly surprised. It’s not like anyone actually lives in Las Vegas, right? Well, except for hotel personnel, card dealers, bartenders, waitresses, showgirls, magicians, pit bosses, doctors, nurses (like her mom), cops, crooks, the whole shebang. But most people just went to Vegas, they didn’t live there. She did wonder, who just lives in the woods, but then noticed the dilapidated old A-frame shack, there beyond a huge hole in the ground. This was exciting!  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just going to be slice of life. Don't expect any great drama. It's mainly to see if I can get the voices of the Owl House characters right.


	2. The Mystery Shack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eda introduces Luz to her ex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Luz meets Eda's ex-husband. He's a lot like her.

As they passed, Luz noticed a sign by the gaping hole in the ground. It read “Bottomless Pit”. To the left of the word Pit, there was written in multi-colored glitter, the message “22 minutes of fun!!!” To the right of the word Pit there was a message, in much neater handwriting and plain black ink, saying “22 minutes of boredom.” Okay. 

Eda was speaking to King “Listen, King. I want you to stay hidden in that tote bag. For some reason, humans seem to freak out at the sight of a demon.”

“I remember. That’s why Owlbert has garbage detail. I don’t know why, I’m beautiful!” King said.

“You are just the cutest thing!” Luz gushed.

“I AM NOT CUTE!!” King shouted. He hunkered down in the tote bag. They approach the shack. Part of it is obviously a business, but a sign indicated that it was closed. Part of it seemed to be a residence, so Eda took it upon herself to pound on the door. Hard.

The door was opened by a large, pear-shaped young man in a black suit and a maroon fez with some sort of fish/pacman hybrid on it. “Sorry, dudes! We’re not open yet! Come back after ten. The Mystery Shack will be up and running then.” He said. He started to close the door, but Eda stuck her foot in it.

“I don’t give a fat rat's behind for whatever you’re selling here. I’m looking for someone. Big guy, chicken legs, good with cards and dice. You know him?’ Eda paused and tried to remember the name. “Saul. Saul Schwartzkopf or something. He around?”

“I don’t know any Sauls, but that kinda sounds like Mr. Pines. MR. PINES! LADY HERE TO SEE YOU!” The young man shouted.

“What’s all the commotion, Soos?” A gravelly voice was heard. A door opened and a man appeared, in an Hawaiian shirt and brown slacks wearing a maroon knit cap. His eyes widened and he stopped. That pale bingo hall skin. That one weirdly sharp tooth. “Marilyn?! You owe me twelve-hundred dollars!”

“Always the romantic, Saul! I took you for twenty-four-hundred.”

“I am romantic, toots! That’s why I’m willing to let you keep half. Is it really you? Come in, come in!” Eda and Luz shuffled in. “Who’s the kid?”

Eda got a genuinely evil grin. “She’s yours Saul. Ours. Yours and mine.”

Luz’s jaw dropped. She didn’t want to be any part of this prank!

“Nice try, Marilyn! It was more’n twenty years ago! The kid can’t be any more’n thirteen.”

Luz was insulted. “I’m fourteen! It’s nearly my Quinceañera!”

“Disculpas, señorita. Mi error. Estás muy flaco. Aunque bonita.” The man said, in Colombian accented spanish.

“Está bien, viejo. No se preocupe por eso. ¿De verdad eres su exmarido?” Luz replied, blushing.

“Sí, sí, es una ladrona, ¿sabes? ¿Estás bien? You okay, child? Really, Marilyn, who is she?”

“She’s my student. A little charity work I’m doing. Apparently, I’m better than 'summer camp’, whatever that is. Saul Schwartzwhatever, meet Luz Noceda.”

“It was Schwartzwald. Incidentally, I’m really Stan Pines. And Marilyn Crawford is really…?”

“Edalyn Clawthorne. Call me Eda, nobody calls me Edalyn except my prissy sister. Little miss sunshine here thinks we should get back together. I’m here to show her it’s a bad idea.” Eda said.

“Why not? Just 'cause you’re not human? That’s no problem, not in Gravity Falls, I can introduce you to several guys married to woodpeckers. I can deal with a vampire bride. Hell, the arthritis is getting along, a little immortality might be just the ticket! Say, can you hang around? I’d like to introduce you to my grand-niece, she has a thing about vampires.” Stan Pines replied.

“Saul,” Eda started.

“Stan.” Stan interrupted.

“Whoever. I am not a vampire! I’m a witch and proud of it!” Eda declared.

“A witch, huh? That’s just one letter off from what I’ve been calling you for years! Look, Eda, I’m not looking for anything long term. But we had a lot of fun in Vegas, I’d like to catch up. If sumpthin' happens it happens.” Stan winked at Luz.

“Humans! You’re as bad as she is! Still… it was fun, wasn’t it?” Eda said, eyes on the floor. Luz was astounded. Eda looked almost shy!

“It was more fun than the fiddle game, even though I’m the one who got taken to the cleaners! Oh, Eda, you wouldn’t believe the marks in this town! We could go through 'em like crap through a goose and they’d line up to get taken again tomorrow!” Stan was exultant.

Outside, a “Speedy Beaver” bus was pulling up. “Oh, good! The kids are here! POINDEXTER! DIPPER AND MABEL HAVE COME AND I HAVE SOMEONE I WANT YOU ALL TO MEET! Time to get to work, Soos!”

“Right you are, Mr. Pines! Luz, Eda, I’ll see you later, right now I’ve got rubes to  
fleece. ¡Adios!” The big man strode out into the dappled sunlight, saying “Welcome! Welcome one and all to the world famous Mystery Shack!” He led the group from the bus around to the business side, while two young people split away from the group and headed towards them (but not without getting a bone-crushing hug from Soos).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word is arguing with me. It won't give me my /italics/!


	3. Dipper and Mabel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper and Mabel arrive. The family gets to know Graunty Eda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Luz gets attracted to the twins, Stan and Eda play a game, Ford is Ford...

The two young people, a boy and a girl burst through the door, the girl leading the way. Luz thought about it. Maybe she should say the man and woman. They looked to be about four or five years older than her, but she learned not to make assumptions about the ages of people she met recently. Principal Bump was apparently about 350 years old but looked much younger. There was a kid at Hexside, Braxas, who looked (and sounded) about 100 and was five. But this was home, so she was going to think they were eighteen or nineteen. He was about an inch taller, messy brown hair tucked away under a blue and white trucker's cap with a pine tree on it. He wore khaki shorts with a lot of pockets, a plain black t-shirt with a pocket and a navy blue fleece vest with, you guessed it, lots of pockets. He also had thick, no-nonsense hiking boots. With heavy socks, one of which had three pens tucked into it, like a pocket. Apparently, carrying stuff was very important to him.

The girl (or woman) was completely different. She had long wavy brown hair, except on the left side of her head, which was shaved. She had on a loose fitting crop-top tank top, hot pink and a very short red skirt. She had a bulky sweater tied around her waist by the sleeves, almost the color of Eda's dress. She had on a pair of Vans like Luz's, except the left one was painted. Like Luz, she wore no socks. As far as Luz could tell she wore no underwear, either bra or panties. Also, as far as Luz could tell her entire left side was covered in tattoos from just under her collarbone, down under her shirt, on her back and belly and side, down her left arm and left leg. They ended about four inches from her wrist and five inches from her ankle. If she wore slacks or leggings and a long sleeved top (like the sweater tied around her waist) no one would know. They were mostly kind of girly tattoos, flowers and butterflies, dolphins and mermaids. There were a few motifs that got repeated though. The commonest was a yellow five pointed star trailing a rainbow, but there was also something like the eye of providence from the back of the dollar bill, except it had a dopey top hat and cartoony arms and legs. It also had an eye more like a cat's or a snake's. This always had a circle with ten symbols around it, always the same ones. There were chinese style dragons, as a manga aficionado she recognized dragons with no wings, always carrying something round in one claw. There were minotaurs and mermen, more mermen than mermaids. There were even some dopey little gnomes. Strangely, there didn't seem to be a single unicorn. She thought she saw the light glyph in there and some other symbols in circles she really wanted a closer look at. Luz thought the girl was the coolest thing she had ever seen.

Luz didn't notice this all at once, though. The pair moved around too much. First they both hugged Stan who hugged them back like they were the most important people in the world, then they hugged some other guy who had come in without her noticing, she thought of him as Not-Stan. He looked like Stan, he looked a lot like Stan, but younger (she found out later that he was ten minutes older. No assumptions about age, right?). He was slimmer than Stan and taller, but that might be that Stan stooped. He was in a maroon turtleneck sweater, a long beige topcoat (with elbow patches?) Black slacks tucked into short boots and some sort of bandolier belt combination. The newcomers were talking non-stop, she could hardly make it out, and Eda was lounging in the most comfortable chair in the room, a hideous plaid affair, next to, ¡Madre de Dios! Was that a real Tyrannosaurus Rex skull? Eda had manifested a cigarette from somewhere, Luz had never seen her smoke. She nodded Luz over.

"Luz, why don't you give me that bag, it must be getting heavy." It was, but not nearly as much as it would have been just a couple of weeks earlier. Dragging a huge bag of potions around Bonesborough every day was doing wonders for Luz's weak nerd arms. And nerd legs and nerd back. Luz handed Eda the bag and she tucked it next to her in the chair.

"Phew!" Muttered King. "Something solid to rest against. Also, I'm out of Luz's armpit."

It was barely audible, but Not-Stan whipped his head around like an owl hearing a vole. He looked like an owl on the hunt too, Luz got the impression that something was going to die. Well, if he thought he was going to kill her cutie-wootie luvikins, he had another think coming! Not-Stan shook his head and turned back to the other newcomers. Something about West Coast Tech and CalArts. Luz was impressed, she'd heard West Coast Tech was nearly impossible to get into and CalArts was where she wanted to go. College kids. Waaay out of her league. Sad though. They were cute! Luz's budding bisexuality was getting revved up by both of them.

Stan was leading everyone right to them! "Ok, so everyone remember me telling you about Marilyn? Guess who turned up at our door this morning! Everybody, this is Eda Clawthorne, my ex-wife and her protège, I guess, Luz Noceda! Eda, Luz these are the twins, Dipper and Mabel and my brother Stanford!"

"Aww, Grunkle Stan! You didn't have to go out and get a vampire for me! Y'know I was hoping for someone turned when they were a little younger and I was kinda hoping for a guy! But still! I'm touched!" The illustrated girl, Mabel said.

"Pumpkin, she's MY ex-wife! Get your own toys!" Stan scolded.

Eda leaned back, rolled her eyes and blew a smoke ring, which turned into a lemniscate and broke into two intertwined hearts before it disappated. 

"Mabel, I don't think she's a vampire. I'm noticing a LOT of magic." Pocket boy, Dipper said.

Not-Stan had pulled some sort of device out of a pocket and was waving it around. "Stanley, you do realize this creature is from an entirely different dimension, don't you?"

"Gee, thanks, Poindexter! I never woulda noticed!" Stan snarked.

"Who are you calling creature, dweebus? See, Luz? THIS is what happens when you get too much school! Rude! I have half a mind to turn you into a toad, dweebus!" Eda groused. "Let me get this straight. You're twins, both named Stan and you have the nerve to call me creature? You warned me about your brother, Saul..."

"Stan." 

"Whoever. You warned me about your brother, but I had no idea how big a dweebus he was! I don't blame you for throwing him through a portal. The Nightmare Realm sounds about right. Why'd ya get him back?"

"He's my brother, Eda! Holy Moses, you don't leave family wandering around the never-never!"

"I hear ya! My prissy sister is a cop, but we get along. Kinda. She keeps trying to bring me in, says it's best for me. Does he know what's best for you?"

"Not if he knows what's good for him! It's not his fault, he's always been like this. We just gotta deal with it, babe."

"Hey, Graunty Eda! Can you turn ME into a toad?! Or maybe a snadger?!" The illustrated girl, Mabel asked.

"Half snake, half badger? You're weird, kid! What's a Graunty? Luz, you're human. What's the weird girl calling me?"

"I'm not sure. I think it might mean great-aunt. Tia abuela." Luz explained.

"Oh no! No, no, no, no, no! I'm not anybody's anything!" Eda protested

"Eres mi segunda madre." Luz said quietly.

"Look, you were married to my Grunkle, therefore, you're my Graunty! It's math!"

"Mabel, it's not math, it's logic." Pocket boy, Dipper said.

"Half of one, six dozen of the other! It's all the same!" 

"No, it's not Mabes. You kinda just made my point."

"Anyway, weird girl, I can't turn you into a snadger. With all the wards on you, I'd be lucky to change the color of your hair!" Eda declared.

"Oh, yeah! I kinda forget that's why they're there! Ok, do that! Whatta think, Dip-dop?! Pink?!"

"I'd go all goth, Mabes. Jet black."

"How about blonde, like someone's GIRRRLFRIEND?!"

"Green?" Whispered Luz.

"Please don't drag me into this, Mabes."

"Give her your old color, Eda. I'm starting to think that wasn't a wig." Stan suggested.

"Saul, I never!"

"Stan"

"Whoever. Stan, I never wore a wig! Cover up this glory? For shame! Besides, if I call you Stan, what do I call HIM? He's going to get tired of dweebus eventually."

"You may call me Ford." Said Not-Stan.

"I might. I may just keep calling you dweebus. How do you put up with him, Saul?"

"Stan"

"Whoever."

"Flaming red, like you used to have, Eda. It was glorious!"

"For you, Saul."

"Stan."

"Whoever." Eda made a circle in the air with her right index finger, the air glowed and crackled and Mabel, the Illustrated girl was standing there with... green hair. Luz's heartbeat gave a little stutter step. "Oops." said Eda.

"Oops?! Whattaya mean oops?!" Mabel pulled a mirror from... somewhere and looked at her minty fresh hair. "I LOVE IT!! Thanks, Graunty Eda!"

"Sorry, Saul."

"Stan."

"Again, if I call you Stan, what do I call dweebus?"

"Ford." Said Not-Stan again. 

A voice was heard from the bag on the chair where Eda left it. "FOR TITAN'S SAKE, JUST CALL HIM SIXER! WHAT? I'M BORED AND I HAVE A CRAMP!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... aaaand trouble starts. You know the Pines aren't going to like that voice! Stay tuned!


	4. Ford and King

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> King has a tough time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I lied. We've got drama aplenty this chapter. I may have wept a little.

King poked his skull out of the bag and found himself looking down the barrel of a quantum destabilizer pistol, a nickel-plated Desert Eagle .50 cal, a grappling hook and a Bowie knife with a silver plated edge. He didn't recognize the guns, but he knew the grappling hook and knife were trouble and he figured the other two weren't being being pointed at him for his health. How did everything turn sideways so fast? He tried to calm things down. He laughed, no one could hurt a little laughing demon, could they? Everyone just looked grimmer. "Um, guys? Why are you so mad? Was it something I said?" At least he had help, Eda was holding back a struggling Luz, kind of like she did the day he met her and Luz nearly snuggled him to death.

"Stan, if you do anything to hurt my roommate, I swear I'll turn half of you into toads and the other half into snakes! Let's see how you like that!" Eda fumed.

Luz was just shouting "¡No lastimes a mi bebé! ¡No toques a mi bebé!" over and over, fighting to get loose from Eda's grip.

"Eda, you don't understand! He's trouble!" Stan said.

"I know he's trouble, Stan! But he's MY trouble! This is FAMILY, ya understand?!" Eda argued. Stan winced at that.

Stan shouted "Soos! Wendy! Get in here! CODE YELLOW!!" A tall, red-headed witch ran in, holding an axe in both hands, followed by the big guy in the black suit.

King was trying to place names with faces, but he was horrible at remembering names. He'd just have to make some up. Sixer was Sixer of course, 'cause of the fingers, Shooting Star had the grappling hook pointed at him, the kid with the knife was Pine Tree, and Stan had the shiny metal thing. The red-headed witch looked as cold as Ice. King couldn't come up with anything for the big guy, guess I'll call him Question Mark. That'd do for now. "Really, guys, why are you so mad?"

"Why did you call me Sixer?" Sixer asked.

What kind of question was that?! Is it possible he didn't know? King was noticing some things now, the witch's axe had a silver plated edge as well and the handle ended in a sharpened point. A stake. Pine Tree's knife had a stake coming from the hilt too. At least Question Mark didn't seem to have any weapons. Wait, he was holding a box of salt. That'd take care of abominations, zombies, and trash slugs. (It's inconvenient to carry around a karaoke machine. Sometimes you can't find an outlet.) He didn't think that these people had spent any time in the Boiling Isles, but they were ready for nearly everything the Isles could throw at them. Stakes for vampires, silver for werebeasts, salt, everything was cold, hard steel, that'd do for fairies and elves, Shooting Star there had enough wards imbedded in her skin to hold off Emperor Belos, the Emperor's coven and any thousand witches he could name. He felt other wards interlocking and strengthening against magic. He was only a little demon, he had no magic, fortunately none of this could kill a demon. But it'd hurt! A lot! Then he smelled it. Shooting Star had a vial of purified water! If he couldn't talk his way out of this he was dead! Painfully. He counted on Eda and lately, Luz to get him out of trouble. He didn't think they could help this time. He answered Sixer's question. "Are you kidding? You have six fingers on each hand. Surely you noticed!"

"Uh-huh. What would you call me?" Pine Tree asked.

"Pine Tree. It's on your hat. Your sister is Shooting Star 'cause she has like a dozen of 'em on her skin. The red-headed witch is cold as Ice and I couldn't come up with anything for the big guy so I call him Question Mark. Stan is Stan. What?" Everyone looked angrier. He was going to DIE because he was bad with names!

"Anything else you feel tempted to call me?" Stan asked, his mouth pulled down into a ferocious frown.

King couldn't help it. It struck him funny. He was going to die and Stan was standing there looking like some kind of fish! So he laughed. This made everyone tenser, so he laughed harder. "I don't know! Saul? Sole? You look like a mackerel!"

Sixer looked sad. "Right. That's it. Mabel, the water." Well, this is it. Goodbye Eda, goodbye Luz! It's been fun!

Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light. Luz had managed to get free from Eda and had drawn a light glyph on her left hand with the Sparkle thing. She touched it with her right hand and the natural background magic of Gravity Falls did the rest. Unfortunately, like the magic consumed the paper it was drawn on, the spell had taken a layer of skin off of Luz's hand. She was on her knees, cradling her wounded left hand in her right, begging. "Please! Don't hurt him! He's my friend, he's a good boy, please don't hurt him! I'm begging! Please!!" Tears were flowing down her cheeks. Her left palm was a sheet of blood.

King shouted out "MY BOO-BOO BUDDY!!" and broke through the ring of people surrounding him. He ran to Luz and held her tight. Luz wrapped her good arm around him and glared defiantly at everyone.

Eda was furious. "Are you happy, Stan? Your idiot family has traumatized my roommate and my charge! She's hurt herself! That's my Titan-damned daug-uh, delivery girl! My student! I'm supposed to take care of her, you schmuck!"

"Miss Clawthorne, I don't believe you understand. That's one of the most dangerous entities in the multiverse. That's Bill Cipher!" Sixer told her. Who's Bill Cipher?

"Well, that explains it! Stan, your brother's crazy! Nuts! Certifiable! Dweebus, you want me to believe that my roommate, who I've been living with for nearly seven years is the scourge of a thousand dimensions? And you don't think I'd notice?! I've seen him destroy some ducky socks, a few beetles, a LOT of baked goods and occasionally my appetite but utterly no galaxies! He might not really be the king of demons but you are absolutely the king of dweebuses! How can someone so smart be so stinking stupid?!" Eda raged.

Stan had backed away. He had seen Eda like this before, it was only a matter of time before something was thrown at him. He bumped against the aquarium and glanced inside. "Sixer..." he started tentatively. 

"NOT NOW, STAN!" Both Eda and Ford snapped at him.

"Yes, now! Sixer, it's back! The little lizard fish thing, what's-it's-name, lots of axes."

"What are you babbling about, Stanley?"

"Lots of axes! You know, the little pink thing! The newt with gills! Lots of axes!"

"Do you mean the Axolotl?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter used to be longer, a lot longer, but I figure this is a nice cliff hanger. Welcome to my new Owl House readers, you might enjoy some of my other works. Or not, I can be much more depraved.


	5. Stan, Ford, Eda, King and the Axolotl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amphibian Ex Machina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time stops, but not for everybody.

The room froze in stasis except for Stan,. Ford, Eda, and King. Time stopped for the others. The room was suffused with all the colors of the rainbow and some that only bees and art students could see.

"Nice." Said Eda. "Nice colors, especially the octarine. It's a bit of a relief to get out of time. Who's doing this?"

"I think it's Devine intervention." Stan answered.

"Oh, I HATE it when that happens!" Eda looked towards the ceiling. "WHAT DO YOU WANT, WHOEVER YOU ARE?"

King spoke. "Frilly! Long time, no see! Thanks for the second chance! I know, I'll turn things back over to the furball, I just wanted to say hey!" His voice sounded different, as if he numbered thousands. It sent chills down Eda's spine. Stan and Ford exchanged a look that simply said 'Knew it!' King shook his skull and asked "What just happened?" His voice was normal again.

"I think you were possessed, fuzzball." Eda told him. The colors shifted and swirled around them.

Another voice was heard. It was a pleasant voice, warm and friendly. It came from everywhere and nowhere. "Stanford. Stanley. Please don't harm the demon. I need him. The girl is teaching him friendship. The witch is helping. The situation in the Demon Realm requires someone devious, cunning, and duplicitous, capable of leading armies. I can't imagine anyone better suited to the task. Can you?" They both just shook their heads.

Eda snickered. Whoever it was, was calling Stan and dweebus on the carpet. She was right and they were in trouble! Okay, maybe they were right too, she didn't care for that voice but she was righter! "I TOLD you so! Leave my roommate alone! Luz is right, he's a good boy! You hear me, Saul?"

"Stan."

"Whoever. Now, as much as I enjoy being out of time, how do we get back? I'm worried about Luz. She's hurt!"

"Yeah, she is! Listen, whoever's doing this, I want to make a deal!" King said. Stan and Ford tensed up. Here it is! "You've got to fix Luz up, okay? It's my fault all this happened, she's hurt because of me! I don't think a bang-aid or whatever she calls them is going to help. If you help her, I'll do whatever you want, right? Just fix her up! I-I love her. Otherwise, I'm not doing ANYTHING!"

Well, THAT didn't sound like Bill. The voice was back, saying "I believe we have a deal, King. Bill?"

King's voice changed again. "I'm just along for the ride, maybe a little backseat driving. I just make suggestions, furball is in charge. He wants to deal, I'll go along with it." King shook his skull again and clawed at it. "That makes me itchy." He said in his normal voice.

"We have a deal, King" the voice said.

Everyone stood for a moment. Eda observed "We're still here. Outside of time."

"Perhaps there's something else we need to do, while we're here." Ford said.

"That would never have occurred to me, dweebus. What?"

"I have no idea. Where did you say you were from, again?"

"The Demon Realm. The Boiling Isles."

"I see. Dimension Ninety-DT Apostrophe Slash. Oof, that's a bad one. Is Belos still ruling?"

'With an iron fist, dweebus. What do you think? He's been eliminating anyone who could oppose him for fifty years! But we were never caught because we're too slippery!"

"I may have something that will help." Ford said. He went to the bookshelves and browsed for a few minutes. Eda sat down in the hideous plaid chair. Time or no time, she was tired. She'd had a witches duel with her sister a couple of hours ago. Lily was damn good, it wasn't easy.

Dweebus had found what he was looking for. He handed her a beautifully bound book, the booksmiths must've worked overtime on this one. It was titled 'The Unauthorized Boiling Isles History'

"It may be a little out of date. I wrote it during my stay in the Boiling Isles about twenty-two years ago. Still, it may have some interesting facts you could use. It might come in handy for fighting against Belos" Ford told her.

"Wait a minute, dweebus! I'm no revolutionary! I'm just trying to make an honest living. Or a dishonest living, right Saul?"

"Stan, sweetie. I used to say the same thing, but sometimes you just have to put the con aside for a couple of days and save the world. Ya know?"

" Whoever. So what you're saying, dweebus, is that you've been in my HOME? Saul, you weren't yankin' my chain all those years ago? You really threw your brother through a portal to the Nightmare Realm?"

"Stan."

"Whoever. Ford, you actually met Bill Cipher? How're you still alive?" Eda demanded, dumbfounded. Anyone who fooled around with dimension hopping soon heard about Bill Cipher.

"It wasn't easy. He tried to capture me for thirty years. I guess I was pretty slippery, too. Besides, I was useful." Ford explained.

"Until I punched him out of existence." Added Stan.

"Whoa! Color me impressed! By both of you! You punched out Bill Cipher, Stan? SOMEONE'S getting lucky tonight!"

"Yeah, you! It might take a little longer than it used to."

"THAT'S what a girl wants to hear! Okay, think I know how to get back! Everyone get back where they were when time stopped." King clambered back into Luz's embrace, Stan moved over by the aquarium, Ford and Eda went back to where they were shouting at one another. "Huh. I really thought that would do it! Any ideas?'

"Not a clue, Eda." Stan said.

"I'm afraid I have no idea." Ford admitted.

"Useless, the both of you!" Eda groused. She shoved the book into her hair. The colors faded and time started. 

Luz stared at her left hand. Her healed left hand with new soft pink skin instead of a bleeding wound. As soft and pink as an axolotl. "Wha-what happened?" She asked in wonder.

"Ya got lucky, kid! I think it's one of those everyone gets one deals. The next time you pull something like that it's going to hurt like a witch! For a long time! That doesn't mean don't do it, it just means think first! Think ya can do that?" Eda said.

"Yes, Eda!" Luz said meekly.

"LUZ!! YOU'RE OKAY!" King shouted. Okay, whoever you are. I'll do whatever you want! 

"What just happened?" Dipper asked.

"Yeah, everybody just blurred for a second! What's going on?!" Mabel demanded.

"We made a mistake, kids. The little bonehead's okay." Stan said. Dipper looked at Ford and he nodded solemnly. Okay, then. 

Weapons were put away. Soos went to put the salt back in the kitchen and find his tour group. He could be heard briefly, explaining "Sorry, dudes! Thought we had a family emergency but it was just kids acting up. You know how-" Wendy returned to help Melody man the registers.

Luz was looking askance at Ford. Eda noticed and said "Luz, I think you should have a little talk with Stan and the kids. I get the feeling that they're better at the whole adventuring thing than I am. I peddle my potions and sell some human garbage, but I don't fight the system. Not really. I just try to be left alone. I get the feeling that I might be in for a spot of trouble. Don't worry, I'll be with you the whole time. Maybe I can learn something too!"

Luz's eyes lit up. She was going to get to hang out with the cool kids! 

"So, Saul, you got someplace where we and my student can have a little heart to heart?"

"Stan, sweet cheeks."

"Whoever."

"This isn't really my place anymore, Eda. We were just here to pick up the kids. We should go up to the house."

"Suits me! Where's this house?"

"I'll show you." Stan led them outside and pointed to the mansion on the hill.

"Okay, I'm impressed! How'd you swing that, Stan?"

"I didn't. Most of the year, me and Poindexter live on a boat, but when the kids come up for the summer, we have guest privileges. McGucket has more room than he needs anyhow."

"Friends in high places, huh? Works for me! What are we waiting for? Let's go!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we didn't kill King. Or Bill. But it was a close thing.


	6. Cuteness Overload

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Discussions about this and that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mabel actually notices King. Ford and Dipper discuss King. Stan and Eda share some history. King frets.

Back in the shack, Mabel was getting her first good look at King. “Aww, he’s niedlich! How did we mistake this cutie-pie for Bill, Dipper?!” She gathered King up in a hug.

“Why does this always happen? I AM NOT YOUR CUTIE-PIE!” King remonstrated, struggling.

“He called me Pine Tree, Mabes. He called you Shooting Star. I don’t trust him.”

“But just look at him! 'oo's a widdle guy?! 'oo is?! You are! Yes, you are!” Mabel was tickling him, under his chin.

“He’s got a skull for a head. He has yellow eyes!” Dipper argued.

“Yup! Eyes, plural! Like, more than one! There’s nothing triangular about him! He’s soft and fluffy and almost cuter than Waddles!” Mabel countered.

“Mason, while I applaud your cynicism, and indeed, share it, I have it on good authority that this creature should be allowed to continue to exist. Besides, Miss Noceda and Miss Clawthorne seem to be having an exemplary effect on his behavior.” Ford said.

“Okay, Great-uncle Ford. But what if I’m right?” Dipper responded.

“People can change, Dipper. Even if they’re not technically people. That girlfriend of yours, Miss Northwest. Didn’t you despise her at one time?” Ford replied.

“Well, yeah, but…but…oh, okay! I’m still keeping an eye on him!”

“As am I, Dipper. But he seems to have changed. I saw him make a deal for someone else’s benefit!” Ford explained.

“That doesn’t sound like Bill!” Dipper admitted.

“You two realize that I’m right here, right? Rude! Who’s Bill? I’m the all-mighty King of demons! You try to kill me and then talk about me like I’m not here! I have feelings, you know! I can’t get any respect!” King said, from Mabel’s grip.

“I respect you, cutie! Yes, I do! Yes, I do! I wespect you and wuv you and just wanna cuddle forever!!” Mabel said, tickling King’s tummy.

“Please stop that” King asked, resignation in his voice.

Luz had walked up to Mabel. “Can I have him, please? I think you’re scaring him. He’s not a pet! He’s the mighty King of demons. He’s my friend!”

“Aw, I wanna be friends, too!” Mabel said, reluctantly handing King over.

“Then show a little respect, Shooting Star! I AM NOT CUTE!!” King said from Luz’s arms.

“I’m sorry, King, but you are. You want down?” Luz asked.

“Yes, please! See? That’s how you do it! Luz treats me like an adult!” Luz set him down and he headed back to the chair and his bag.

______________________________________

Meanwhile, outside Stan and Eda were talking. “Let’s not go quite yet, Eda. I want to explain some things. That roommate of yours terrorized my family for years! He tried to catch Ford for thirty years, he possessed my great-nephew, and when we refused to give him the key to his freedom he threatened to kill Mabel! We had to pull the old twin gag on him to stop him. It cost me my memories, but I got most of 'em back. I’ll be honest, I’m a little hazy on Vegas. You say that he’s been on good behavior for seven years?”

“He’s an arrogant self-centered little prick, Stan, but his heart’s in the right place. He has delusions of grandeur, but he’d give you the shirt off of his back, if he wore shirts and it would fit anyone. I’ll vouch for him.”

“Good enough for me, babe! Now tell me about the kid. How’d you wind up with her?”

“Luz? She just turned up one day. I have a sideline, sending an assistant of mine to your world to raid trash cans. I sell the junk as human collectibles. He got a book of hers one day, she wanted it back, so she followed him over. King and I had a situation that we needed a human for, so we blackmailed her for her help. Kid came through with flying colors, staged a jailbreak, we offered to send her home, but she decided she’d rather stay with me than go back to whatever she had planned for the next three months. You saw her, Stan! I couldn’t turn her down, it’d be like kicking a puppy! (Sigh) I guess I just collect strays.”

“Not to be rude, babe, but your dimension sounds a little rough. Why’d she want to stay there?”

“As far as I can tell, her mother was sending her to some kind of dweebus factory, where she’d learn to balance checkbooks, pick a mortgage, compound interest and appreciate public radio. I don’t know what most of that means, but it sounds horrible. She seems to prefer running away from stuff that tries to eat her. And the books! Their flowery, flowery language is an insult to witches everywhere! So flowery, so awful! She likes 'em, though. She seems to want to be in a fantasy world. To me, it’s home, but what’re you going to do?”

“I get it! The kids had that problem, Dipper especially. Yeah, we’ll have a talk with her.” They headed back inside.

King had returned to the tote bag and his place under Luz's arm. The twins had gathered their luggage and were waiting (semi) patiently. Ford was resting in the plaid chair.

“Right, ready to go?” Stan announced. Everyone crossed the gravel parking lot to Stan’s Cadillac. Yep, thought Eda, that’s the rectangular wheel box dealie I almost got away with. Shame. Wonder if I could manage it this time? Naw, it’d be too much trouble to enlarge the door. She’d used a lot of magic today, between setting booby traps and dueling Lily. She was a sleepy little owl.

They loaded the kids' luggage in the trunk and piled in. Stan, Eda, and Ford up front, Dipper, Mabel and Luz in back with King still tucked in Luz’s armpit. Stan pulled out of the lot, skirted the town and made it up the switchbacks leading to McGucket's hootenanny hut. Unlike the days when it was Northwest Manor, the gate always stood open nowdays.

Luz was impressed and said so. “Wow, you guys live here? How rich are you?!”

“Not enough, novia! Not nearly enough! We just kinda squat here for the summers, the owner’s an old friend of Poindexter's. Mine too, I guess. I used to give him pancakes when he was homeless. West wing again, Sixer?” Stan said.

“Yes, Stanley. We should still see F and pay our respects.” Ford replied.

“I was going to smuggle our guests in, Ford. McGucket might take an interest in a witch from another dimension.”

“True. He would probably want to give her a thorough examination. Frankly, Miss Clawthorne, I would be interested in that myself.”

“Nobody’s examining me, dweebus. Except Saul here, but he’s my husband. I do expect a thorough examination from you, Saul. Inside and out.”

"Stan, dear."

"Whoever."

Luz blushed deeply. Everyone got out of the car and headed to the main door

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was going to be arriving at McGucket's and talking with Luz, but Mabel noticed King. Everything went out the window from there. The trouble with these characters (as I've noted in other works) is that they just wander off and do what they want.


	7. The Hootenanny Hut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our adventurers reach the hootenanny hut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The hootenanny hut. This one is just stupid fun.

Ford strode up to the door, long coat flowing dramatically behind him and strode right through the door and marched in. This struck both Luz and Eda as a little odd, not to mention rude, just marching into someone’s home like that. What they didn’t know was that no one knocked at McGucket’s, you just walked in. He loved the company. Anybody and everybody was welcome. If it was mealtime, you got fed. Of course, if you tried stealing something, you would get an unpleasant surprise. The man made his living selling weapons of mass destruction to the U.S. government after all. Most would-be thieves were pretty relieved when the police got there. Everyone followed Ford in, Luz and Eda bringing up the rear, feeling weird just walking into someone’s house like this.

It got weirder. They were met by a robot, an honest-to-god robot. It had an oblate head, camera lenses where a person’s eyes would be, tiny microphones for ears and a speaker grill for a mouth. Luz thought it was stainless steel or anodized aluminum or something. (It was titanium. McGucket didn’t fool around.) The body was painted black and white, like it was wearing a tuxedo. Luz figured whoever owned the house had paid some mad genius to build him a robot butler. She prepared herself to hear the British accent she just knew that the thing would have. 

“Howdy, folks! The boss is up in the hootenanny room, makin’ music with some friends! Regular rooms, Dr. Pines? Ah sees that y’all have some new friends, where should I settle 'em?” the automaton said. Luz goggled at it. That voice was certainly unexpected. Eda paid it no mind, although she thought that a metal abomination was a pretty clever idea.

“Next to Stanley’s room should be fine, Conway. Miss Clawthorne, Miss Noceda, would you prefer to be directed to your room, or would you rather meet the host? Your choice.” Ford said

“And miss whoever has this metal abomination? In your dreams, dweebus! Just remember, no examinations! What about you, kid?” Eda replied.

King spoke up from under Luz’s arm. “Big houses always belong to big whackjobs. I don’t see this going horribly wrong!”

“Shut up, King! I never met anybody really rich before! Yes! I wanna meet my host!” Luz said.

“Ah’ll jest take the gear on up, then. Anything else, Dr. Pines?”

“No, thank you Conway. Oh, I don’t recall exactly where the hootenanny room is, could Porter show us the way?” Ford noted.

“Shore thang, Dr. Pines! Porter'll be here in two shakes of a possum’s tail.” The machine said, gathering up the twins' luggage. He rolled over to a sweeping staircase and Luz figured out why the thing could both roll and walk. Stairs! Another robot, identical to the first as far as Luz could see, rolled in. “Ah hear y’all need navitagation to the hootenanny room, right?” It said.

“Yes, please, Porter.” Ford responded.

“Oh, sure! With the abominations it’s all please and thank you! For King it’s talking over my head like I’m not here, hurtful comments, and by the way, let’s kill him! I shoulda stayed home!” King complained.

The robot led them over to a different sweeping staircase. Luz was paying more attention to her surroundings. She took in the intricate parquet flooring, the absolutely huge crystal chandelier, the fine old furniture and the objets d’art. It rivaled anything she’d seen in New York City (it was only thirty-five minutes from home, after all). The hunks of rusty scrap metal, the nuts, bolts, and rivets scattered everywhere and the bloody axe embedded in the floor seemed out of place. “What’s the deal with the axe? “ she asked.

“Oh, you can see it?” Dipper answered. “It’s a ghost axe, left over from when Archibald Corduroy crossed over.”

“That was a good night!” enthused Mabel.

“We would have been wood forever, if Pacifica hadn’t come through.” Dipper said.

“I was thinking of the soon-to-be Baroness VonFundhauser!”

“Oh, right! When’s the wedding?”

“Late June, I think! As soon as Marius turns twenty-one!” 

The robot had led them to a doorway. Luz wasn’t sure if she could find her way back. This place was a maze! “Boss’s in here.” The robot said and rolled away. Faint music could be heard through the door. Banjo and fiddle. Ford just strode through the door again, without knocking. Everyone filed in. Luz couldn’t believe what she saw. There was an old man with a beard a wizard would be proud of, seriously, Adegast would be jealous. Wait, was Adegast the wizard, or the squid thing Eda ate? Anyway, it was one heck of a beard. He was wearing brown bib overalls and a hat he obviously stole from a scarecrow and a thick pair of green-tinted glasses. He had no shoes. He was playing the banjo. He was the sanest thing in the room. There were gnomes, actual little, pointy-hatted, grey-bearded gnomes, five of them, one playing the smallest violin Luz had ever seen, two dancing arm-in-arm, doing that square dancing move Luz could never remember the name of, and two, one of them younger than the others judging by his beard, clapping in time to the music. There was a minotaur with tattoos and a red skullcap like the Cardinals wore. Well, maybe not like a Cardinal, he had those side curls like the hasidic jews she sometimes saw in midtown Manhattan had. He was clapping along too! There was a bear! Sorta. More like three bears with seven heads, all of them the same bear, three of them playing jugs. There were a tiny dutchman, cowboy, pirate, and miner all with golf balls for heads.”Eda? Are you sure this is my world?” she said.

“Yeah, Luz, the door only goes two places, here and home. I’m not surprised. Remember that big hole we passed? That’s a wormhole, damn things are everywhere! Remember how I told you that all the legends you have are stuff leaking over from my world? That’s one of the leaks. It’s a bad one, though. Stuff could get here from anywhere!”

The song finished. The old man spoke. “Take five, boys! Howdy, Stanford, Stan! See yew got here finally. Hey kids! Ma’am, Miss, pleasure ta meet yew. Ah'm Fiddleford Hadron McGucket an' this here’s ma place! Welcome! Y’all stayin' fer supper? Fried catfish, collard greens 'n' hush puppies! All yew kin eat! We got plenny!”

“Yes, thank you, Fiddleford. This is Miss Clawthorne and Miss Noceda. I understand they’ll be staying the night. How’ve you been, F?”

“Yew know how 'tis, Stanford. Bin better, bin worser. Cain't complain ah guest! Yusef?”

“Same old, same old, F. Floridaman was a bust, but we tagged two skunk apes and a bro-man. Still no leads on the fountain of youth.”

“Ah keeps tellin' yew, tain't in Florida! Haiti, that’s the ticket! Mebbe th' Dominicain Republic!”

King spoke up from his place under Luz’s arm “Hey, Glasses! Start the music again! I liked that!”

Oh, boy! Thought Ford. This’ll be bad. Bill severely traumatized F. That’s why he left the project!

“Hold yer hosses, li'l feller! Ah’m ketchin' up with an old friend!” 

“Um, Fiddleford? You okay? That’s Bill!” said Ford.

“Tain't.”

“I assure you that it is.”

“No, tain’t. It mighta bin Bill one time, but tain’t now. Yer not lookin' at this like a scientist, Stanford. Yew shore ain’t lookin’ at it like an engineer! Form follows function, right? This li'l critter ain’t built fer world dominion. This li’l critter is tryin' to look scarier than 'tis. He’s a viceroy butterfly, or one o' them moths that try to look like an owl. That jaw ain’t fer bitin'. Them teeth are fer show! Them claws might sting a mite, but they ain’t doin' nuthin' like Multibear's will. This li’l feller's harmless as a babe in the woods. Right, li’l feller?”

“I hate to admit it, but you got me, Glasses. My name’s King.” King said.

“Shore 'tis! Yew kin call me Fidds, King. Yew play?”

“Are you kidding? They used to call me the King of musicians!”

“Wait a minute! Just this morning, you were claiming to be the King of artists. You’re definitely making all this up!” Luz objected.

“Yer a mite small fer a gee-tar, King! Kin yew play a ukulele?” McGucket asked.

“Try me, Fidds! Show me what you got!”

McGucket handed King a ukulele, pulled his banjo back around and played the opening notes of “Dueling Banjos”. King responded. They played their way through the whole thing. Flawlessly. The gnome with the tiny violin joined in. Luz stood there with her mouth agape. Eda had fallen asleep on a couch. Ford was remembering Bill’s piano playing. Mabel was dancing with Carson and Steve. Dipper was wondering if a sousaphone would work with this. Stan found a blanket and covered Eda up.

“Nice, King. Yer welcome at one o’ my hootenannies anytime!” McGucket said. “That were fun!”

King confronted Luz. “Making it all up, huh?”

Eda suddenly sat bolt upright. “Huh? Wha? I’M AWAKE! Luz, would you be a dear and run home and get your owl mama a bottle of my elixir? Fidds, do you have any apple blood?”

“Yew mean apple juice?”

“No. Luz, grab some apple blood, too!” she threw Luz the portkey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There! Nothing to see here, folks! Move along!


	8. The Owl House Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luz brings back the elixir and something else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Luz does her duty. Willow and Gus are worried.

Luz stepped out into the corridor, carrying the ‘I 🐀 Covention' tote bag. For some reason, she felt shy about performing magic in front of everyone. Besides, she kinda had the feeling that Eda wouldn’t want her to open the door with an audience. She pressed the eye on the key and the door unfolded in a wall. She passed through into the living room of the Owl House and ran up the stairs to Eda’s room. There were four round-bottomed flasks of elixir next to Eda’s nest. And several empties, just laying around. Or were they florence flasks? Probably should have paid more attention in chemistry. She grabbed two and one empty and put them in the bag. Everything went dark for a second, but she realized it was just the window blinking. She hurried back downstairs and poured some apple blood into the empty. Making sure they were all securely corked, she headed back to the living room.

Hooty opened and snaked his way into her face. “Hoot hooty hoot, Luz! You have visitors! I told them you weren’t here, but they hung around anyway.” Willow and Gus peeked around the doorframe.

“Hey, Luz. Are you okay?” Willow asked. “You just disappeared after all the excitement. Two witches duels! That never happens! We were worried!”

“She was. I don’t really care.” Gus said, clutching a tote bag full of swag. His was labeled ‘I 🔮 Covention'.

“Anyway, you and Amity got caught cheating. That must have been embarrassing, but Amity getting caught made me so happy!” Willow added.

“We didn’t want to! Eda and her sister just get so intense, y’know?! Amity didn’t even know! It was embarrassing, but Amity had it worse! Nobody really knows me, but Amity’s Amity! She felt horrible! Wait, two witch’s duels?” Luz said.

“Oh, you missed it? Lady Lilith and the Owl Lady had a serious witch’s duel! People will be talking about it for years!” Willow explained.

“It was epic! They shoulda sold tickets! It’s all over Pentstagram!” Gus told her excitedly.

“Eda got into a fight? Over ME?! This is horrible!” Luz lamented.

“To be honest, I think it would have happened anyway. The Owl Lady kept taunting Lady Lilith until she just snapped. Eda seemed pleased. So you’re okay?” Willow said. “Amity didn’t…do anything to you, did she?”

“She lifted the everlasting oath. I can still study magic! I understand her a little better now!” Luz answered.

“She’s still the worst! I just don’t like her!” Willow snapped, eyes tingeing green. “You can’t possibly be on her side!”

“C’mon, Willow! Even you have to admit Boscha’s worse!” Gus argued.

“Easy for you to say! She’s never turned on you!” Willow asserted, whirling on Gus.

“Who, Boscha? She teases me all the time!”

“Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger! Hoot hoot!” Hooty said from the door.

“So, anyway, I’m fine! I did think that Amity would kill me all the way dead, but it all worked out. I probably shouldn’t have challenged her to a witch’s duel in the first place.” Luz said.

“YOU challenged HER?! What were you thinking? Everyone knows humans can’t do magic!” Willow replied.

“Can too! I just know light so far, but I’m learning!”

‘”You can do light? So what were you going to do, show her the way?”

“l don’t know! It’s what Azura would do! So, anyway after the dust settled Eda and me went over to the human realm to meet her ex-husband. I’m just fetching some stuff for her and I’m going back. Hey, I got a great idea! You guys should come! It’ll be fun!” Luz suggested.

“Human realm? Me? COME?!’ Gus sputtered.

“Yeah, those are some of the words I said, in an order that kinda worries me. Come on guys! Let me show you MY world!” Luz insisted.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Willow asked.

“ALL IDEAS ARE GOOD IDEAS!!” Luz asserted.

Willow thought about it. It might be fun, and besides, someone’s got to watch out for these knuckleheads. “Okay, I’ll go!” she agreed. They passed through the door into another world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick one, a framework for some jokes I wanted to get in. I have to keep remembering it's only episode five, I have to keep straight who knows what when.


	9. A Slumber Party?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Languages, advice and an improper suggestion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ford is curious, suspicious, and accommodating. In other words, he's Ford. Stan and Eda are comfortable, Dipper's busy and Mabel's obscene. Willow and Gus are along for the ride.

Luz led Willow and Gus into the hallway. There they were greeted by Not-Stan and one of the robots. Not-Stan was staring at the doorway with rapt attention. “Fascinating.” He said. “I presume it’s magic? So many ways to produce the same effect. Utterly fascinating.”

“Um, sure!” Stammered Luz. “Fascinating.” She pressed the eye on the portkey and the door folded up and disappeared.

“Absolutely fascinating. I can’t say that I care for the decoration. Why that eye, specifically?” Not-Stan asked.

“You’d have to ask Eda. It’s hers. I don’t know.” Luz answered.

“Oh, I intend to. Well, Miss Noceda, I see you brought guests. Care to introduce us?” Not-Stan said.

Luz panicked a little. She couldn’t remember his NAME! “Uh, sure! These are my best friends, Willow and Gus! Guys, this is…” Think, Noceda, think! I’m not going to call him Not-Stan, I’m sure not going to call him dweebus, THINK! She glanced at the robot and suddenly remembered what they called him. “…Dr. Pines! He’s Eda’s ex-husband’s brother.”

“I think under the circumstances, Miss Noceda, Luz, you could probably call me your uncle. Grunkle, even.”

“Um, what?!”

“I believe that you referred to Miss Clawthorne as your ‘madre segunda' and she herself referred to herself as your ‘owl mama’.” Ford explained.

“Oh. You heard that, huh?” Luz said, embarrassed. The blush was back.

“I have very acute hearing. You don’t survive long wandering the multiverse without it.” He replied.

“And you speak Spanish, too?” Luz asked.

“Sí, pajarito, por supuesto que sí. No puedes usarlo para mantenernos secretos.” If Stan sounded like someone from Bogotá, this man was almost pure Castilian with just a hint of Andalusia. “I speak dozens of languages, all the romance languages, German, most of the Slavic languages, Russian, of course, some Swahili, Hebrew and Arabic, Sanskrit, Attic Greek and Latin. I’m afraid my Japanese, Korean, and Mandarin could be better, I’m not good with tones.”

Luz couldn’t believe it! “Prove it! Say the Our Father in Latin!”

Ford sighed. “Very well. Pater noster, qui es in caelis, Sanctificetur nomen tuum.  
Adveniat regnum tuum. Fiat voluntas tua, Sicut in caelo, et in terra. Panem nostrum quotidianum da nobis hodie, Et dimitte nobis debita nostra,  
Sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris. Et ne nos inducas in tentationem,  
Sed libera nos a malo. Amen. Satisfied?”

“You left out the power and the glory part.” Luz’s mom could be a bit traditional and preferred a Latin mass. And if the priest gave Luz any Hail Marys or Our Fathers after confession, she had to do them in Latin! 

“It’s not traditional, in the Catholic church. But if you insist. Quia tuum est regnum, Et potentia, et gloria, Aeternus et umquam. Est-ce que ça va faire, petit oiseau? Oder willst du mehr? YA mog by zanimat’sya etim ves’ den’.”

Willow and Gus were wondering what was going on. They nodded knowingly at the mother part, the Owl Lady might not care that much for them but was already very maternal when it came to Luz. But why was she antagonizing the old man? He seems nice. Fussy, but nice. A lot of it was just noise to them. Gus was ecstatic. All this human stuff! He kept looking around and around, trying to take it all in. Willow was more nonchalant. She just wasn’t as interested in humans as Augustus. It was hard enough just being a witch. 

“Uh, you kinda lost me there. Dozens of languages, right! Sorry. Lo siento. Most people I know can’t back up their brags. I’ll remember that I can’t use Spanish to keep secrets around you and your brother.” Luz said. Not-Stan was trying, she kinda liked 'little bird' but she couldn’t forget that he gave the order to kill King. He seems way too interested in Eda’s door. He just made her feel uncomfortable. So she stammered and hesitated. Her, Luz Noceda! Queen of the stage! 

“If that’s settled, shall we join the others? They have retired to their rooms for the time being. Speaking of which, are your friends staying the night?” Not-Stan asked.

“Um, I’m not sure. Maybe we should check with the others and see if it’s okay.” Luz procrastinated. Darn it, he really is trying! 

“Fine with me! Ferlin! Please lead us to our rooms and please have two additional rooms readied. Just in case.” Not-Stan said.

“Shore thang, Dr. Pines! Conway and Porter are right on that! This way, y’all!” the robot replied, leading them through the maze of hallways.

“Wow, a real robot! Human books and magazines made me think they were fiction.” Gus said. I thought they were like just arms that made stuff. Why do they leave out the good parts? Gus thought.

Willow was more taken by the décor and sheer size of the place. “Luz? If you live like this, why do you want to be in the Boiling Isles?”

“I don’t live like this! I live in a simple two-bedroom cottage! This guy’s rich!” Luz countered.

The robot had led them to a door. “Ah bee-leeve everbody's here in Stan’s room, Dr. Pines. Yer room’s ta th’ left an’ th’ witchy woman an’ th’ little gurl are ta th’ right. T’other two are 'cross th’ hall.” The robot, Ferlin rolled away.

Not-Stan knocked for once. Stan’s voice boomed from inside. “’Bout time ya got here, Poindexter! Eda’s gettin' antsy!” 

It wasn’t a room, it was a suite. Two sofas, comfortable chairs, a desk with a computer, a sixty-inch flat screen TV on the wall, separate bedroom in the back, private bathroom to the left. Stan was sitting on one couch wearing blue striped boxers and a wife-beater with Eda’s head laying on his lap. Mabel, the illustrated girl was sitting cross-legged on the other sofa. I was right! No underwear. Wow, she even has tattoos on her… that must’ve hurt! Dipper, pocket boy was at the computer playing some kind of fantasy game. He had on a headset, probably a MMORPG. The TV was showing some boring black and white old lady movie.

Eda sat up. “Oh, for Titan's sake! You brought the academy twerps?! Why not bring Lily, warden Wrath and that Blight brat while you’re at it?!”

“Amity?” Luz asked, brightly.

“Listen, kiddo! Stay away from her! Blights are nothing but trouble. Alador is a self-centered, self-important buffoon with a nasty tendency for practical jokes and Odelia is such a straight-arrow that she makes Lily look like…like ME! That witch has always hated me! Alador can be fun if you catch him in the right mood but Odelia can suck the fun out of anything! The witch does have a lovely singing voice, though.” Eda warned.

“Now, now, Eda! The people who used to own this house are self-centered, self-important buffoons and Dipper is dating their daughter. Blondie’s all right! Matter of fact, Dipper’s over there getting his ass kicked by her right now.” Stan said.

“Shows what you know, Grunkle Stan! We’re on a team and kicking everybody else’s ass! We’re nearly done! You got this Paz? Yes….yes……… okay, Sir Dippingsauce AFK.” Dipper said, removing his headset. He came and sat down in one of the chairs, looking over the newcomers. “So you’re witches, huh? Like Graunty Eda? That must be interesting! Oh, I’m Dipper, the girl over there with no shame is my sister Mabel, and this is our Grunkle Stan. You’ve met Great-Uncle Ford.” 

“I’m Willow.” 

“And I’m Augustus, but you can call me Gus. It’s my human nickname! Being witches isn’t that interesting, nothing like you humans and the way you do things without magic! This is great!”

Mabel crossed her legs and adjusted her skirt. She laughed. “Brominator, he’s a weeb! Except for humans!”

‘I have so many questions! Why do humans nail barbed wire to their kid’s teeth? Is it to make them magnetic, or for storing treats like Luz says?”

“No! And kinda! Some humans have the bad luck to have their teeth grow in crooked! The braces, that’s what they’re called, braces, fix that! It works, too! See?!” Mabel, the illustrated girl said and smiled, a big, broad, dazzling white smile with perfect straight teeth. She was beautiful! Luz kept thinking back to her…. She blushed again a little.

“We just use magic. It’s a shame most of you humans can’t do magic.” Willow said.

“I can, a little.” Luz said.

“You bet you can! That light dealie stopped us in our tracks! It was SO BRIGHT!! Looked like it hurt though! Do you bleed like that EVERY TIME?!” Mabel exclaimed.

“Who says humans can’t do magic? Why I myself have…” Dipper started.

Mabel, the illustrated girl interrupted. “Dipping Sauce! DON’T YOU DARE!! I’m not having another party ruined by an army of the undead!!”

“Mabes, I wasn’t gonna…”

“The hell you weren’t! I know you, Dip-dop! You have to show off for the pretty girl!”

“I have a girlfriend, Mabes. Besides, don’t you think I’m too old?”

“No, I don’t! I’m not!”

“Still want the kid to spend the night, Eda?” Stan asked.

“Oh, yeah, Saul! This is getting interesting!” Eda responded.

“Stan, honey.” 

“Whoever.”

This was getting interesting! The coolest girl I’ve ever seen thinks I’m pretty! Am I pretty? I never thought so. I’m just the weird girl with the spiders and snakes, trouble, someone to make fun of and snap with towels in the locker room and trip up and push over and have jocks spit in my lunch. Mom wants me to make friends and I tried, I tried so hard, but I’m just the weird girl. The Boiling Isles is different. Willow and Gus are different. Maybe, just maybe Mabel’s different. Maybe. Wait, where’s King?! She saw a little pile of fur and bone curled up on a chair, snoring the way he does. He’s okay!

Stan looked at her. “Novia, where you from?”

“Paterson.” Luz answered. 

“No kidding! Jersey? We’re Jersey boys ourselves!’ Stan said, indicating himself and Ford. “Ever hear of Glass Shard Beach?”

“No.” Luz answered, honestly. 

Not-Stan broke in. “Stanley, remember, they changed the name. It’s Sherman’s Bay now, Pajarito.”

“Oh, down the shore! I’ve been there! They have the worst amusement park in the state! The beach is nice, I liked swimming there! Except for the whitefish.” She blushed again.

Mabel looked at her! “Tell you what, cutie! Let’s have some fun! Wanna go swimming?! McGucket has a great pool!”

“I’d love to, but I don’t have a swimsuit. Neither do Willow or Gus.”

“Luz, we’re witches. We can have suits like that!” Willow said, snapping her fingers.

“Oh.” Said Luz. She looked at the older, taller girl. This wouldn’t work! But she had to try! “Could I maybe borrow one of yours?” 

“Nope!” Mabel winked at her. “I don’t have one either!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may want to change the rating. We have nudity next chapter. (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink). Hell, we had nudity this chapter! Oh, bonus points if you can figure out where McGucket got the names of his robots from. (Hint: I'm old.)


	10. Marco Pollo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Swimming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Luz decides not to go skinny dipping. Eda has other plans. Pool hijinks.

Luz was blushing again. Stan spoke. “Pumpkin, you’re embarrassing her. She’s from Jersey, she probably doesn’t get naked at the drop of a hat like you. Besides, she’s probably a nice catholic girl. Eda, can you fix her up with something?”

“I could, but why would I? Naked swimming sounds fun! You used to be fun, Saul!” Eda announced.

“Stan.”

“Whoever.”

“She’s underage, Mabes. What you’re suggesting is probably against the law.” Dipper observed.

“If there’s no cops around, anything’s legal! Right, Grunkle Stan?!” Mabel asserted.

“What, I’m going to argue with myself?” Stan said. “I tried, novia. It’s up to you. Whatever you want. Got that, Mabel?!”

Luz thought about it. She was supposed to be at summer camp, right? In some of the movies she’s seen, skinny-dipping was supposed to be a part of summer camp! Still, it was a big step. If it was just Mabel, maybe. But in front of Willow? And Gus? Nooo. No way! “Wait, I want to try something!” She went over to the desk, found a pen and some paper and drew a circle with a picture of herself in a bikini. She touched it. Nothing. Well, it was worth a try!

“Edaaa! Won’t you do anything? I wanna swim!” she wheedled.

“It’s like this, kid. To dress you, I have to see you naked. I can do something for myself, any witch can, but I know my body. To dress somebody else, if you want it to fit better than a sack, I need to see what I’m working with. Magic clothes are kinda iffy anyway. They, um, come and go.” Eda said.

“Will they last a couple of hours?” Luz asked. She was okay with Eda seeing her. Segunda madre, after all.

“Possibly. Maybe. Probably.” 

“Okay! Let’s get me set!” Luz said, dragging Eda off to the bedroom.

“I guess we’re going swimming.” Dipper said. He left the room to get his suit.

Gus was excited. He was going to keep an eye out for gills. Willow was remembering learning to swim at lake Lacuna. When she and Amity were still friends. And accidentally eliminating the fort so the seagulls could get at them. Half-a-witch Willow! She was doing better in the plant track, though. Nobody called her half-a-witch there! Don’t think about her! She was with her friends, in a strange new world. She smiled, faintly.

“YAAAAY!!” Mabel shouted. She wasn’t getting everything she wanted, but people were taking her suggestion. Mabel had gotten a lot better over the years, but people doing what she wanted still made her ridiculously happy. Huh. She walked over to where King was sleeping. “Hey, little guy, wanna go swimming?” she asked him.

King opened up one eye in irritation. “Why doesn’t anyone let me sleep?” He asked the universe at large. “No, I don’t want to go swimming! I hate getting my fur wet and my head sinks like a rock! You go! And leave me alone!” He curled up tighter on himself.

Dipper came back in, wearing clownishly large trunks and a towel wrapped around his neck. He tossed another towel to his sister. “Here, Mabes. This way you won’t forget.” 

Mabel snatched it out of the air. “Thanks, bro-bro! I totally would’ve!” She remembered her guests. “You guys are okay with swimming, right?” 

“Are you kidding?” Gus asked. “Willow! Did you know that humans build special holes in the ground just for swimming? And we’re going to use one! Wow!”

“Swimming is fine.” Stated Willow. “I just have some…complicated memories involving swimming. I wonder what’s keeping Luz?”

“Well, duh! I’m sure she’s trying things on! If I had a limitless wardrobe, I’d take a while to decide, too!” Mabel said.

Mabel was exactly right. But Eda’s patience was wearing thin. She was telling Luz “Look, kid! I can’t do this all day! Either choose something or wear your skin! I am!”

“Maybe the blue one again.” Luz said. She was in a strapless two piece that matched her hoodie. She looked it over in a full-length mirror, checked her butt and decided it would do. 

“Really?” Eda asked. “I liked the yellow, what did you call it, thong. Whatever.” 

Luz Pulled her hoodie on and went into the other room. “I’m ready!” She announced.

“Yay!” Mabel shouted again and ran out the door. “C’mon, follow me!” her voice dopplered down the hallway. They followed her. After several turns, a stairway, and several more turns Mabel burst through a set of glass french doors. She crossed a lush lawn, top, skirt, and shoes flying away and dove into the pool naked as a frog.

Eda was right behind her. “Come on, Luz! Last one in has to clean Hooty!” she shouted, sprinting in heels. Luz remained amazed at Eda’s ability to run in shoes that she could barely stand in. Eda leapt into the pool, a graceful swan dive, and at the top of her arc, made a circle with her finger. Her clothes disappeared and she broke the water with barely a splash. Luz noticed a stack of clothes, neatly folded had appeared on a white, wrought iron table, under an umbrella. Eda’s boots were under the table. Dipper ran to the edge and jumped in, cannonballing in. Luz was hit by the splash. Mabel was swimming underwater like an otter, long green hair streaming behind her.

Willow and Gus glanced at each other, shrugged, and each made a circle with their fingers. Suddenly, Willow was wearing a one-piece with a floral print, complete with modesty skirt. (Willow was a little self-conscious about her weight. Willow was a little self-conscious about lots of things including her weight, her abilities, and her glasses). Gus was in baggy trunks, not as ridiculous as Dipper’s, but pretty bad. He jumped in, holding his nose.

Luz was struggling to get out of her hoodie. Willow looked at her squinting. Her glasses were sitting on top of her clothes, which had taken their place next to Eda’s, between Eda’s and Gus'. “You okay, Luz?” she asked.

Luz had managed to extricate herself from her hoodie. She took in the scene in the pool, Dipper and Gus splashing each other and laughing like five-year olds, Eda floating on her back, riding high in the water, hands behind her head as if she were lounging on her couch at home. She really was surprisingly foxy for her age. Mabel swimming laps underwater like some kind of aquatic mammal, not just an otter, a sea otter! She was just gorgeous, a swimmer’s body, lithe, graceful. Suddenly Dipper was surrounded by three Gusses, who overpowered him and dragged him under. 

“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine! Except I’m stuck cleaning Hooty! C’mon, Willow! Let’s join the fun!” She took Willow by the hand and together the two of them stepped into the pool. 

Stan and Ford had arrived, Stan in his grey and white two piece bathing suit. Eda took one look at it and burst out laughing. “Saul! What. Are. You. Wearing?! That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen!”

“Stan, honey! It’s my bathing suit! It’s the epitome of style!”

“It’s the epitome of dork! What’s with dweebus? Doesn’t he swim?” Eda said.

Ford was fully clothed, although he had removed the duster. “I prefer not to, Miss Clawthorne, unless my life is at stake.” He sat down at the table and started sketching in a maroon book that had a gold six-fingered hand with the number 5 on it. Stan had retired to a chaise lounge that he had ‘liberated’ from the public pool three years ago. 

Mabel had finally surfaced and was organizing a game of ‘Marco Pollo'. It was like Marco Polo except everyone clucked, like chickens. Willow and Gus needed some clarification on the rules. Chicken out of water confused them. Mabel took the first turn as ‘it’ and eventually tagged her brother. Dipper flailed around for a while but caught Luz by the ankle as she was trying to sneak out of the pool. As Luz gave her first ‘bawk’ waiting for the replies of ‘bawk bawk’, Eda decided to have some fun. She made a surreptitious spell circle and every piece of magical clothing disappeared. Willow briefly tried to cover herself, but decided to relax. Mabel and Eda were already nude and she was a witch. There were some spells and rituals that required nudity. They weren’t as popular under the emperor, but every witching family still practiced them. Gus didn’t care. Luz was so wrapped up in playing, she didn’t notice. She heard a bawk bawk practically next to her and lunged.

“Well, cutie, you caught me! What are you going to do with me?!” Mabel exclaimed.

Luz opened her eyes and realized that she was holding Mabel’s left breast. She made a panicked squawk and let go. She then realized that she was naked too! She blushed to the roots of her hair. 

“You’re adorable!!” Mabel blurted. “C’mere!” Mabel gathered Luz into a hug and gave her a wet kiss on the lips. “Mwah! Listen, cutie! There’s nothing I’d rather do than take you upstairs and teach you some things! Really! Really, really! But that wouldn’t be fair to you! You’re from a different world! Or New Jersey, which might as well be a different world for how often I’d be able to see you! So I’m not going to do what I want for once! You deserve better than to be ravaged by crazy Mabel! You’ll find someone because you're smart, beautiful, and fun! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! You’re loyal and sweet and better at magic than I am! And I’ve been working on it for five years! One last kiss?!”

Luz was slightly in shock. She didn’t expect her first kiss to be naked! With an older girl, a college girl, the coolest girl she’d ever seen! Wow!! She appreciated the gentle brush off but kind of regretted not going upstairs and learning stuff. She liked learning! “Um, o-okay, I guess?” What is it with this family, getting me all tongue-tied? I can’t talk today!

“God, you’re precious!! Okay, cutie, here I come!” Luz found herself in an embrace again, deeply aware of her skin next to the older girl’s. And the kiss! Omigod, the kiss! Large sections of her brain were shorting out. One of Mabel’s hands was working it’s way down her back stopping right before it got good! “Oops!” Mabel said. “Almost got carried away, there!” She was released. 

She noticed Willow giving her an arch look, eyebrow raised. “Having fun?” Willow asked. Whoa, Willow was naked too! Her best friend was gorgeous! Willow noticed the appraisal. “Don’t look at me, I’m fat!” she said.

“Psshh!! You’re full figured! I wish I had more curves!” Mabel’s encouraging voice was heard.

“Really?” asked Willow.

“Abso-tively, honey! I got a girlfriend, WAY bigger’n you and she’s about to marry royalty! You’re fine!’

“You are, Willow! You, um, look great!” Luz agreed. Great, now I can’t even talk to my best friend! She’s going to think I’m lying!

“Thank you both.” Willow said.

“See what you did, Eda?! Now I’m up to my neck in teenage girl stuff! As if I didn’t get enough of that from THAT one!” Stan complained. He was pointing at Dipper while he said it.

“Hey!” Dipper objected.

“Oh, shut up, Saul! They all wanted it, they just didn’t have the guts to do it! Always helpful, that’s me!” Eda said as she magically flung Stan into the pool.

“Stan, witch!” Stan yelped, right before he went under.

“Whoever.” Eda said as he struggled out of the pool.

“Okay, I’ll buy that. Luz looked pretty happy. It was still a dirty trick!" Stan said.

“Whatever.” Eda dismissed him.

One of the robots rolled on to a porch. It banged a large triangle. “Supper! Suppertime! Come ‘n’ get yore vittles!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Teenage girl stuff. I decided, the hell with it, I'm not changing the rating.


	11. A Southern Fried Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We discuss politics and go to eat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little of this, a little of that, a little outright plagerism.

Gus scrambled from the pool. “Human food! Yesss!” he said. He twirled his finger and was dry and fully dressed in his Hexside uniform. “This is the best day of my life!”

“Gus, you eat human food all the time! You gave me half of your PB&J for crying out loud!” Luz explained from the pool.

“Let him have this, Luz. Look how happy he is!” Willow said.

Mabel had vaulted from the pool and was vigorously toweling off. She examined the towel after drying her hair. “Wow, no bleed at all! Graunty Eda, how long does this last?!”

“What am I, a hack? Kid, that’s forever, 'til it grows out or you dye it! An Owl Lady spell stays spelled.” Eda bragged, bobbing on the surface of the water.

Dipper had climbed from the pool and was also drying off. Stan had already stalked into the house, grumbling something about changing for dinner. Ford took the opportunity to query Eda. “Miss Clawthorne, I’m curious about the eye on your portal. Why is it there?”

“Dweebus, I don’t expect you to understand the finer points of magic. It needs to see where it’s going. Are you finished drawing your filthy pictures of me?” 

“I record oddities in my journals, yes. But why that eye, specifically?” Ford asked.

‘The door goes to a lot of out of the way places. It needs to see in the dark.” Eda responded.

“I see. Nothing to do with Bill Cipher?”

“You’re the one who knows him! I only know him by reputation! Look, you magic up an eye that can see in the dark, you get a cat’s eye! That’s how it works! I’d have rather had an owl’s eye, but magic can be stupid!”

“You’ve been living with him for years!”

“I’ve been living with King for years! Itty-bitty witchlings can put him in his place! I saw him get his head stuck in the sleeve of a sweater, for Titan’s sake! If the scourge of a thousand dimensions is in there, he’s well hidden! He might say that he wants to conquer the world, but if I thought he could actually do it, I’d stop him. Maybe. He couldn’t be much worse than what we have.” Eda levitated herself out of the pool, made a spell circle and was dry and dressed. “Let’s go eat, dweebus. This seems like polite dinner conversation.” Eda led Ford into the mansion.

Luz and Willow were the only ones left. They used a set of steps to get out of the pool instead of just clambering out. Willow made a spell circle and was dressed and dry. Luz stood there, self-conscious and dripping. “Um, Willow? Do you think you could dry me off, too? I didn’t think to get a towel.” She was standing naked in front of her best friend, her first friend that wasn’t imagined or drawn or reptilian. It was weird. 

“Maybe. Most witches do it for themselves, y’know? Isn’t that one of those cloth rectangles sitting on that table? I might burn you.” Willow said.

There was an extra towel neatly folded on the table recently vacated by Not-Stan. Luz vigorously toweled off her hair and herself. She put on her hoodie, but it just came down to her navel. She wasn’t going to wander around a mansion with her trasero hanging out! What was she going to do?! “Oh, man! Eda, you brat! I can’t be running around bottomless!” 

Willow was eyeing the clothes still scattered on the lawn. “Doesn’t seem to bother your new girlfriend. You know, the one with the strange skin disease. She’s still not wearing anything! Why don’t you borrow her skirt?” Willow asked.

Luz tried on Mabel’s skirt. “Dang it! It’s too big!” The skirt barely caught her hips and threatened to fall off completely.

Willow smirked. “I can help with that!” She said. She gestured and the skirt tightened up. 

“Thanks! I guess this’ll work!” Luz said gratefully. They headed through the french doors and were met by one of the robots. “Which one are you?” Luz asked.

“Ah’m Porter, miz. Ah’m goin’ ta take yew ta yer room so’s yew kin dress fer dinner. Dr. Pines seemed ta think yew'd be unCOMfortable t'otherwise.” The robot said. He led them through the maze to a room two doors down from where they had been before. Luz opened the door and found she had a suite to herself, much like Stan’s. “Yer clothes are on yer bed, miz.” The robot explained from the hallway. Luz found her clothes and got dressed in her familiar outfit. It felt good to be covered again. Willow was waiting for her in the main room. Porter led them to the dining room.

As they entered, Willow was asking “You get shy all of a sudden? You couldn’t get dressed in front of me?”

Luz blushed again. “It’s not that! Ok, maybe it is! Don’t you ever feel weird changing in the locker room in front of everyone?”

“Not really. The big problem with the girl’s changing room at Hexside is that it’s haunted. Ghosts everywhere.” Willow explained.

“Ha! Still?! Damn, I’m good!” Eda crowed from her seat next to Stan.

“Really, Edalyn? Invoking poltergeists? That’s as juvenile as Stanley.” Not-Stan said.

“That’s why I married him, dweebus.” Eda replied.

“I thought it was to rob me blind.” Stan put in.

“Well, that too, Saul.”

“Stan, honey.”

“Whoever.” 

McGucket with his wizard beard sat at the head of the table. To his right was Ford and to his left was Stan. Eda was next to Stan and the twins, Dipper and Mabel were next to Ford (Ford! That’s it! Gotta remember!). Gus was beside the twins. Luz sat down next to Eda, across from Mabel. Willow took a seat next to Luz, across from Augustus who was looking around with shining eyes and a grin that threatened to take the top of his head off. 

“Enjoying the human realm, Augustus?” Willow asked.

“Oh, yeah! Isn’t it awesome, Willow?!”

“Eh, it’s alright I guess. Not that different from home, really.”

“That’s the natural background weirdness of Gravity Falls, young witch. Most of earth is radically different from the Boiling Isles.” Not-Stan (Ford! Gotta remember, Ford!) explained. “So, Edalyn. You say most citizens are unconcerned about living in a facistic dictatorship?”

“You know what people are like, dweebus. They think they want good government and justice for all, yet what is it they really crave, deep in their hearts? Only that things go on as normal and tomorrow is pretty much like today. At least the eggs run on time.” Eda replied, bitterly.

“Eggs?” queried Luz.

“You’ll find out, kiddo.” Eda said.

“Wait, where’s King?!” Luz asked, concerned.

A horned head poked up at the foot of the table. “I’m right here! Like I would miss a meal!” King said.

The robots brought in the food. A steaming plate of fried catfish, collard greens and hush puppies was placed in front of Luz. “Ooooh! Pescado frito! Where’s the Tostones?”

“Novia, people not from the islands aren’t that fond of mashed fried plantains. Try the hush puppies, it’s almost the same thing.” Stan told her.

She tried one. She was underwhelmed. Why make Pastales en Hoja with no filling? The fish was good, though. Spicy, but not with chiles. And that green stuff had some heat to it, too! Point of fact, the young witchlings, Willow and Gus, were finding the fare a little too spicy. Paprika, cayenne, and mustard seed was too much for their palates. McGucket had the robots bring them milk. Ewww! Come on, Noceda! Not everyone was lactose intolerant!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> King's okay. I got to use some research and outright steal from Pterry Pratchett. I needed a set-up for the joke about the trains running on time.


	12. Everything's Better With Ice Cream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner concludes. Willow and Gus go home. Luz continues to worry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dinner continues, Dipper shows off, the twins get in trouble, witches head home and we have ice cream.

The dairy counteracted the capsaicin in the cayenne. “Woo! That was something! Luz, you didn’t tell us humans ate fire!” Gus exclaimed.

“That’s nothing! You should try mi mami’s mofungo. She puts habanero in it!” Luz said. 

“You like this?! Humans are weird. I feel like my head’s on fire. I never want to feel that way again!” Willow replied. 

“Think we should take ‘em out for some Thai later, Sixer? Or maybe Indian?” Stan said. 

“Stanley, play nice. Miss Clawthorne, Edalyn, I’m interested in that jewel on your, um, chest. I thought it was part of your clothing, but I noticed that it was still there while you were, um, swimming. Does it serve a purpose?” Not-Stan, no, Ford asked. Luz put on her 'paying attention' face. She had been wondering about that too!

“It’s a fashion choice, dweebus. Lots of witches have ‘em. My sister’s got one too. I do use it for something else, but not in front of the kid, okay?” Eda responded.

“Um, Eda? I know it gets all inky after you’ve been that thing. Should I be worried?” Luz asked, concerned.

“Ah, crud, she knows! Listen, kid, I’ve got everything under control, understand? No one likes having a curse, but if you take the right steps, it’s manageable.” Eda said.

“Oooh, did you hear that, Bro-mo-seltzer?! Our Graunty is under a CURSE! She turns into a THING!! This is so cool!!” Mabel said. She had dressed for dinner, and was wearing a brown sweater with an owl on it, in honor of her Graunty Eda, and a dark brown pleated skirt. 

“I don’t think that’s the takeaway, Mabes. Curses are, y’know, CURSES! Maybe Great-Uncle Ford and I can help, Graunty Eda.” Dipper articulated.

“Thanks, kid, but I don’t see how. You’re human, humans can’t do magic. Except this one, and that’s because she’s so stubborn.” Eda said, indicating Luz next to her.

Dipper just smiled. “Is that so?” he held a hand out, palm up. “Fiat lux!” he said, and a ball of light appeared above his hand. It was much fainter than even Luz’s normal efforts, but it was there. Luz, Gus, and Willow all stared in amazement.

Eda just shrugged. “Not bad, human. Luz has you beat, but not bad. A human doing magic! Sorry, Luz, I guess you’re not the only one. You’re still better, though.”

Mabel rolled her eyes and intoned “Sint tenebrae!” The light went out. “Like I said, showing off for the pretty girls! Really, Dippity-doo-dah?!”

“Hey, I’m proud of that, Mabel! I’ve been working out how to do that ever since Luz surprised us!” Dipper argued.

“Yeah, and how long did it take me to figure out how to turn it off?! Face it, Dip-dop, you suck without a grimoire, a wand, an amulet, or some sort of focus! You just can’t improv, dude! Splendore forensi strepitu!!” Mabel replied. An explosion of multi-colored glitter manifested and slowly settled on the table. “See?! I just made that up!”

“Right, thass it. No more witchy bidness at th' table! I done tole yew an’ tole yew two, no magick at th’ table! Yew two don’ git no dessert! Ice cream good fer everbody else?” The wizard man, McGucket, didn’t seem genuinely angry. Just disappointed, Luz thought.

“Sorry, Fidds.” Dipper and Mabel both said, looking contrite.

“Durn right! I ain’t havin’ 'nother table jus’ git up ‘n’ walk out o’ th’ house. Now, whut flavor does everbody want? NOT yew two!” McGucket asked, glaring at the twins.

“Vanilla.” Stated Ford.

“Chocolate.” Answered Stan.

“Oh, what was that stuff I had in Vay gas, Saul? Chocolate with nuts and little pieces of white stuff. Bad path?” Eda asked.

“Rocky Road, maybe? And it’s Stan, hon.”

“Whoever. Sounds right.” The three robots had started serving dessert.

“Um, do you have mint!” asked Luz. 

“Shore thang, darlin’! Or mint chocolate chip if'n yew perfer.”

“Yes, please.” Luz said. She turned to Willow and Gus, who were looking a little nervous. She remembered that in her first minutes on the Boiling Isles, even before the pixie wanted her skin, she saw an ice cream cone eat someone. “Guys, it’s okay! In the human realm, ice cream doesn’t eat anybody! The worst that could happen is…” 

“BRAIN FREEZE!!” Shouted Eda, who had swallowed an entire bowl of rocky road in one gulp. She clasped her hands to her head.

“Yeah, that!” Luz concluded. 

“I think we’ll pass, Luz. We should be getting home anyway, I don’t want my parents to worry. Fidds, thanks for the use of your pool and the painful food. Gus, shall we go?” Willow said.

“Right, I don’t want to miss dad’s report on covention! I want to see those witch’s duels again! Thanks, Luz, this was awesome! Listen guys, you gotta come visit us next time! Do you think they’d like not dogs, Willow?”

“They eat fire, Augustus. I think it’ll be a bit bland. It’s been fun, Luz. See you tomorrow?” 

“With any luck! Eda? My friends want to go home.”

Eda was still holding her head. “Yeah, right! One second, kid! My head kills!” One of the robots placed a cup of hot coffee next to her. She took a swig. “Blarg! What is that, liquid bitter? Ah, but it eases the pain! I think I could get used to this! Oh, right! Here ya go, kid!” Eda tossed her the key. 

Luz pressed the key and the door appeared in a corner of the dining room. Willow opened it and there through the door, they could see the Owl House. Luz ran over and hugged her friends. Willow and Gus passed through, turned and smiled and waved goodbye. Before the door shut and disappeared, they could hear Hooty saying “Oh, hey, little dudes! A swallow flew into my mouth and I swallowed it! Isn’t that neat? Where are you going? Rats, why doesn’t anyone ever-“ The door was gone.

“That voice! That horrible voice! Eda, why didn’t you shuffle the functions of every hole in his face when you had the chance? That would’ve been fun! Oh, cilantro lime ice cream, by the way!” King said.

Huh. That might actually be good, thought Luz. The various Pines just looked at King in horror. 

King saw the reception he was getting. “What? It was Eda’s idea! The face, not the ice cream. That’s all me!”

“It was my idea, Stan.” Eda said. 

“It’s Stan, dear. Wait a minute…”

“Ha! Gotcha, Saul!”

“Don’ have that one, li’l feller. How 'bout brown butter bacon?” McGucket asked.

“Why not, Fidds? I like you, Glasses!” King replied.

‘Yew worry me a tetch, li’l feller. But Ah like yew too!”

Oh, God, thought Luz. Report on covention! Luz had seen Perry Porter on the crystal ball at the Owl House and suddenly put two and two together! Her disaster was going to be on the NEWS! EDA was going to be on the news! Better face up to it. “Um, Eda? Did you get in a witch’s duel for me today?”

“Huh? Witch’s duel? Nonsense, Lily and I were playing! We haven’t seen each other for a while, we were getting reacquainted!”

“Gus said it was epic! They shoulda sold tickets! It’s all over Pentstagram, he says!”

“Okay, so me and my sister play rough! Believe me, if Lily and I ever got in a real witch’s duel you’d know it! All of the Boiling Isles would know it! There’d be lightning and thunder! Belos' castle would shake! Not gonna happen!” Eda explained.

Whew, THAT was a relief! So, maybe the Owl Lady didn’t mind a little publicity? Huh, I wonder if I could rig some light spells into something? Maybe make Eda a sign? I’ll think on that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it foreshadowing if you already know it's coming? I had fun with this. Someday I might even get to the point!


	13. Flirting With Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luz tries to flirt. And gets an education.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Luz flirts, questions are asked, adventures are discussed. Is there light at the end of the tunnel, or is it an oncoming train?

Luz continued to think about making a sign while she scarfed down mint chocolate chip ice cream. I wonder if I could illuminate an illustration? The robots had served everyone else coffee, even Dipper and Mabel. Apparently that wasn’t considered part of dessert. Not-Stan (Ford! She reminded herself) and Dipper, pocket boy took theirs black, Stan and Mabel the Illustrated girl took cream and LOTS of sugar. A robot asked her “Cawfee, miz?”

“Um, yes.” Luz said. “Like hers.” She continued, pointing at Mabel.

“Yew shore? Cream ‘n’ twenny sugars? That’s a mite sweet, miz.”

“I’ll chance it! Sweets for the sweet, right?” She winked at the twins and her face immediately betrayed her and blushed. I wish I knew how to flirt! It must have worked though, Dipper gave a little smile and Mabel’s bare foot was brushing against her calf. Oh, wow! She took a sip of coffee and almost choked on the sweetness.

“You walk on the wild side, cutie?!” Mabel asked her.

“Isn’t it a little late to be asking permission, Mabes?” Dipper said.

“I, um, I’m not sure what that means.” Luz replied.

“Oh, for….novia, she’s asking if you’re gay! Not that I give a damn either way, some of my best friends are fegulahs and daykes, but I beg of you, novia, don’t encourage her!” Stan said.

“Nah, let it play out, Saul! This could be fun! The girl’s had a hard day! As her temporary guardian, I approve! Luz, you want to fool around with the weird girl?”

Luz was blushing to the roots of her hair again. This isn’t what passes as polite dinner conversation in Paterson! “I, I think I’m bi.” She said, timidly.

“Of course you are! All the best girls are! I am! Wendy is!” Mabel told her.

“Pacifica isn’t.” Dipper said.

“I’m wearing her down! Someday, Dipping-dots, Mabel Pines will steal your girl!”

“Yeah, I’m holding my breath. Paz isn’t interested, Mabel. Live with it.” 

Mabel blew a raspberry at him. “You’re no fun, Dipper! Besides, I don’t need a blonde when I’ve got a gorgeous brunette right here! Whattaya say, cutie?”

“MABEL RUTH PINES! MANNERS!” Stan thundered. 

“Aww, c’mon Grunkle Stan! I already promised not to ravage her! Can’t we make out a little?! She’s already got to second base!”

“She’s a fourteen year old Catholic girl from Jersey! Show some decency, Mabel!” Stan groused. “What were you doing when you were fourteen?”

“I plead the fifth!” Mabel exclaimed.

“Trust me, Grunkle Stan. You don’t really want to know.” Dipper added.

“Oy vey! Novia, it’s up to you! You’re young and I wouldn’t, but what do I know? Me and Carla waited until we were sixteen, but that was a long time ago. Lord knows, I know how hard it is to say no to Mabel! The hell with it! I wash my hands of the whole thing! Eda, didn’t you want me and the kids to have a talk with Luz? More important than geshlekht?” Stan said.

“I don’t know what gash lack is, Saul. But, yeah, I did want you to have a talk with her. Up in your room?” Eda said, rising from the table. Everyone else stood up except for McGucket.

“This here looks ta be a fambly thang. ‘Sides, ah’m agoin’ ta wait fer Tater ta git home ‘n’ eat with him. He’s bin workin’ long shifts down ta th’ shop agittin' ready fer th' lake ta open. Young lady, don' yew worry none ‘bout likin' both gurls ‘n’ boys! Ah meself was oncet married ta a raccoon. Whutever makes ya happy!” McGucket said.

Luz, with King on her shoulder, Eda, and the Pines all trooped back to Stan’s rooms. They sat Luz in a comfortable chair and sat in a circle around her on both sofas, with Dipper and Ford taking chairs. King sat next to Eda on a couch, curled up and went back to sleep. Luz felt like she was the subject of an intervention. Maybe she was!

“Okay, what’s going on?” she asked.

Stan took the lead. “It’s like this, kid. Eda seems to think you might be headed for a little trouble. We have a bit of experience dealing with supernatural forces, alternate dimensions, that sort of thing. So how’d you end up in the Demon Realm anyhow?”

“I got in trouble for my book report the last day of school. I um, brought snakes in to be the Gildersnake from the second ‘Good Witch Azura' book. Some classmates freaked out. It’s not like they were poisonous or anything! Okay, some people got bit, including the principal. But it’s not MY fault if people don’t know how to handle snakes! Right?! I didn’t even get to USE the illegal fireworks for the act three closer! Oh, and when I auditioned for ‘Romeo and Juliet' I kind of set up some special effects. I kinda disemboweled myself using a string of sausages. One girl fainted. I did some taxidermy like what’s over at the Mystery Shack and made a model griffin. I even got the spider breath right! But some people get more weirded out by spiders than they do snakes! I tried out for cheerleading, but I can’t do a flip or the splits! But I can turn my eyelids inside out! I TRY to get involved, but I’m just the weird girl with the spiders and snakes! Nobody gets me! So my mom decided to send me off to a summer camp! Reality Check summer camp, think inside the box! Balancing checkbooks, picking a mortgage, compounding interest and appreciating public radio! I don’t like any of that stuff! I like setting anime clips to music and fantasy worlds with convoluted backstories! So to make my mother happy I throw my copy of ‘Good Witch Azura' number one in the trash. I have the whole series up to number seven in my backpack. My mom goes to work and I go back to get my book but a little owl has taken it! I followed him to a deserted house, he passes through the door between dimensions and I meet Eda. The owl was from her staff. So instead of going to summer camp I decide to stay and try to learn to be a witch! I love the Boiling Isles! I have friends there, you met Willow and Gus. I don’t, um, don’t really have friends back home. So, yeah, I want to have adventures and learn magic! Can you blame me?!”

“No, but that’s how it starts. You want to have some fun adventures and learn things.” Dipper said.

“And make some friends who get you and love you!” Mabel added.

“But the problem with adventures is they go off the rails”

“And before you know it, you’re putting your friends in danger!” 

“And you have to save them. Or they have to save you.”

“And things keep escalating!” 

“And escalating.”

“and because you were selfish and only thought of your wants, before you know it, the town’s in danger!”

“Or the world.”

“Or the universe!”

“Or the multiverse. Or you have to fight a despotic government that puts down the unorthodox and turns dissidents into stone.” Ford added.

“Or you have to pull an old con and just punch out the wise guy who’s threatening your family.” Stan contributed. 

“Eda?” Luz said, turning to her mentor.

“Look, kid, I try to lay low. I flunked oracle in school, but even I can tell the wind is changing. The midden’s about to hit the windmill. These people have experience! Listen to ‘em! I am! So, dweebus, you think we have a chance?’ Eda inquired.

“The emperor must be getting old. When I was there, there was a barely contained rage. I think all it would take is a symbol. The Romans executed a particularly annoying Rabbi and it became one of the largest religions in this world. A symbol could do a lot.” Ford expounded.

“Wait a minute!” Dipper interrupted. “A despotic government that turns dissidents into stone?”

“The galactic federation along the central finite curve. I don’t talk about it much.” Ford answered.

“Oh, I get it! Rick?!” Mabel said.

“Exactly! The man’s a disaster waiting to happen. I try to avoid him.” Ford replied.

“So, what you’re saying is I’m going to put the people I love in danger? How do I stop it?” Luz wondered. 

“Not necessarily that you will put them in danger. But they will be in danger. It’s just how adventures are.” Dipper said.

“C’mon Dip-dop! She took snakes and fireworks to school! She’s ME! I think I’m in love! So, yeah, Luz! You’re going to put everyone and everything you love in danger! Sorry, cutie!” Mabel said.

“It’s like this. You say you’ve read Azura, right? How did she get involved with Gildersnake? Why did she challenge Hecate in the Bog of Immediate Regret? How about when Lord Doom kidnapped Hecate?” Dipper asked.

“Spoilers!” shouted Luz, slapping her hands to her ears. 

“Sorry. Not up to volume eight? Have you read ‘The Sovereign of the Rings'? Or 'Perry Hotter'?”

“Both!”

“Okay, did Frogo and Spam have a lot of fun on the plains of Murder? Was Lord Moldevort a barrel of laughs for Perry? You’re in a fantasy with a convoluted backstory now, this is the kind of stuff you have to look forward to. Your furry little friend there turned my Great-Uncle Ford to gold and almost killed Mabel! He wanted to conquer or destroy this entire dimension!”

King twitched. “Couldn’t have.” he muttered. “Was sleeping.” He rolled over.

Can this be right? Luz wondered. A few minutes ago I was flirting, successfully I might add, with the cutest twins I’ve ever seen, and now they’re telling me that everything I love could be in danger? Wait, wait, wait! They’ve been through this and are still capable of flirting and playing video games and going to really good colleges! There’s hope!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I couldn't resist bringing up Rick Sanchéz. That's all, I promise! Luz is too optimistic to be brought down for long!


	14. Poker In The Front

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stan decides to play Texas hold'em. Pacifica arrives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stan tries to get a game of poker going but runs smack into Eda and Mabel. Pacifica arrives and may still be the worst.

“So, anyway, what we’re saying is that things could get out of hand. It’s all fun and games now, but sooner or later, everything’s going in the toilet. Be prepared!” Dipper continued.

“Yeah, cutie, I kinda brought about the end of the world! Our grunkles fixed it!” Mabel added.

“Now, Mabes, you didn’t bring about the end of the world!” Said Dipper. “He did!” Dipper indicated the curled up King.

“Sleeping.” Muttered King.

“They probably have a point, kiddo! I was skating along, having fun and making Bump’s life a living hell and bam, I’ve got a curse from out of nowhere! I couldn’t graduate, I’ve been scraping along ever since, trying to stay ahead of the cops and competitors and ex-boyfriends. Ex-girlfriends too, come to that.” Eda said. “Thanks everyone, but I think we’ve scared Luz enough tonight.”

Stan pulled a deck of cards out of his pocket. “How ‘bout some Texas hold’em, Eda? Remember how to play?”

Oh, boy, thought Luz. The paper rectangles old people think are fun. Be nice, Noceda! You’re a guest here! Mabel pulled a box of snacks labeled Chipackerz out of her sweater and suddenly everyone had a pile of cheesey disks in front of them. Stan dealt everyone two cards, Luz had a four and a jack, spades and hearts. She wished she knew what was going on. She occasionally played solitaire but that was on a computer or tablet like a rational person.

“Mabel, you’re small blind” Stan said.

“Two!” Mable put two chips (crackers?) on the floor between everyone.

“Four.” Said Not-Stan (Ford, damnit!) 

“I’ll see that.” Said Dipper, placing four whatever they were on the floor.

“I’ll see your four and raise you four!” Eda said, placing eight disks on the floor.

“You’re bluffing, toots! I’ll raise you four!” Stan said.

“Stanley, it’s Luz’s turn and the limit is eight. This is why I hate playing with you! Luz?”

“Um, I don’t know what I’m doing?” Luz wailed.

“Fold, novia. Sit it out until you have an idea how it works.” Stan said kindly. “Really? Jersey girl don’t know how to play poker? AC burn down when I wasn’t lookin’?”

“I’m fourteen, Stan!”

“Never stopped me.”

Round and round the cards and betting went until Stan laid a fifth card on the floor. Ford folded after the flop, complaining “Too rich for my blood!” Mabel jacked every bet up to the limit every time. The fifth card was the ace of spades.

“ ‘nother bullet on the river! Two bullets, a cowboy, a deuce, and an eight. Whattaya got everybody?” Stan, Eda, Mabel and Dipper all displayed an ace of hearts and an ace of clubs.

“Right, we can’t ALL have four aces!” Stan complained.

“I was actually dealt those.” Dipper explained.

“I’m out! I was wrong, Stanley. THIS is why I hate playing with you! I’m going to get some reading done.” Ford said and stalked out of the room.

“Is there any point in going on?” Stan asked.

“I posi-lutely promise to stop cheating, Grunkle Stan!” Mabel exclaimed.

“Uh-huh. No point at all, then.”

Luz had learned a lot! She learned that Eda would cheat even when her, Luz’s, life wasn’t on the line, she learned that Eda and Stan were perfect for each other, she learned that Dipper, pocket boy might not cheat, she learned that she still had no idea how to play poker. 

There was a knock on the door. “Hey, dummy! You in there?” came a girl’s, woman’s voice from the hall. Dipper went to the door, opened it, said “You’re the worst.” to the striking blonde in the hallway and slammed the door in her face.

The door opened and the blonde came in. She was a little shorter than Dipper and Mabel, dressed to the nines in various shades of lavender, jacket, blouse and skirt, black leggings and boots. She was impeccably made up, eyeshadow to match the outfit, light pink lipstick, blouse open enough to show off her cleavage. It was a pretty good cleavage, thought Luz. 

“Yup, I’m the worst! But you love me anyway, how dumb does that make you, dummy?” she asked.

“Nearly as dumb as deputy Durland, Paz. You win the game?”

“Me and the noobs cleaned house Dippingsauce! Why’d you bail, anyway?”

‘We have guests, Paz.” Dipper explained. 

The blonde noticed Luz. “I see. Soos stick you with babysitting another cousin of his? Cute hair, dear, you cut it yourself?”

Great, it was Amity all over again. Maybe I can save this before it gets too bad. “Yes.” Luz answered, honestly. Her mother had not been thrilled, but I wanted shorter hair. I think it’s cute!

As if the girl could hear her thoughts, she said “It really is cute, dear. Don’t mind me, I’m the worst.” The girl then saw Eda. “Really, Dipper?! A vampire? You haven’t been back in town ONE DAY! Is it too much to ask that I have one night with my boyfriend before you go getting embroiled in some supernatural shenanigans? One night?” She curtseyed to Eda. “A pleasure, madame. Please don’t eat me. Mabes, is that the correct way to address a vampire? Oh, for… seriously, Mabel? Green hair? The ink and piercings aren’t enough, you need to be completely unemployable? Please tell me you got it at a reputable salon and didn’t do it yourself!”

“I dunno! Graunty Eda, are you reputable?!” Mabel said.

“I’m Eda the Owl Lady, the most powerful witch on the Boiling Isles. I am a respected, feared, revered, and awesome force of nature. How’s it hanging, Blondie? I think I like you. I’m not sure yet. Luz, watch her. This girl handles herself like a true witch, sure of herself, cocky, just enough self-depreciation to not hate her. What do ya do?” Eda articulated.

“I’m a waitress. With a trust fund. I’m also majoring in business at Wharton.” The blonde answered.

“Luz? What does that mean?” Eda asked.

“She works for a living but doesn’t have to. She might be smart.” Luz replied.

“Oh, she’s smart!” Dipper put in. “Luz, Graunty Eda, this is Pacifica Northwest, my girlfriend. Paz, this is Luz Noceda and Eda Clawthorne, Stan’s ex-wife. She’s teaching Luz witchcraft. She’s from another dimension.”

“I refuse to be surprised by anything the Pines get up to. Nice work, Stan! How’d you blow it?” Pacifica said.

“I didn’t notice that she was only in it to rob me blind, Blondie. I have a soft spot for fellow crooks.” Stan responded.

“Nothing personal, Saul. You’re still my favorite ex.”

“Stan, hon.” 

“Whoever.”

“Oh, she’s fun! Lady, I think I like you, too!” Pacifica stated.

King stretched, yawned and sat up.

“Whoa, it’s alive?!” Pacifica blurted.

“Who’s the blonde witch?” King asked. “She reminds me of a giraffe.”

Suddenly, Pacifica was holding a knife, the twin of the one Dipper had. “Dipper? What’s HE doing here? I thought you got rid of him!”

“Relax, Paz. It’s not him or he’s changed or something. Ford, Stan, and Eda all vouch for him!” Dipper explained.

“I’m getting a little tired of everyone I meet wanting to kill me! Luz, your dimension is kinda rude, you know that?” King complained.

“Sorry, King. Think of it as the respect due to the King of demons.” Luz equivocated.

“I prefer offerings to death threats. The day started out so well, dozens of offerings, things that are free, people giving offerings to me! Then bossy pants over there rips ‘em all off of me with her spooky spikes, and we come over here where everybody sticks something pointy and unpleasant in my face!”

“Hey, fuzzball, if you don’t trip into my trap like a clumsy idiot, you don’t get the spikes! I almost nailed the Blight brat but you and Luz ruined it!” Eda said.

“Yeah, about that! Eda, I would kind of like Amity to not hate me and killing her I don’t think is a good way to do that!” Luz argued.

“It wouldn’t have killed her! Probably. It would’ve just hurt her badly!”

“Still, not a good move in my having her not hate me plan! I don’t want to hurt anybody!” Luz maintained.

“Sheesh! Humans! Bunch of goody two shoes, right, Saul?”

“Stan, dear. She has a point, when you hurt someone it makes it much harder to rob them again later. They get defensive.” Stan said.

“That’s why I still have a soft spot for you, big guy! You get me!” Eda said, crossing the room and sitting on Stan’s lap. She kissed his cheek.

Dipper turned to King. “Giraffe?” he asked.

“Yeah, I don’t know why, she reminds me of a giraffe!” King answered.

“Not a llama?”

“Beats me. What’s a yama?”

Oh, crud! Thought Luz. He probably speaks Spanish too! 

“Stan?” asked Eda. “Do you mind if I get comfortable?”

Stan looked around. “Naw. It’s all family here, as long as you don’t mean your poolwear.”

“Thanks!” Eda said. She snapped her fingers and was suddenly wearing a baggy purple sweater, a blue skirt with a symmetrical hem, and bunny slippers.

Pacifica turned to Dipper. “Stan’s going to take his pants off, isn’t he?”

“Probably. You’re used to it, aren’t you?” Dipper replied.

“Since I was thirteen. Doesn’t mean I like it!”

“Well, if we’re getting comfortable…” Mabel started, reaching for the bottom of her sweater.

“Pumpkin, you know the rules! You can strip to your skivvies, no more!” Stan said.

“Aw, Grunkle Stan! You know I don’t wear underwear!”

“I let ya swim! Ya wanna get starkers, go to your own room!”

“Okay! Can I show Luz my ink?!”

“That’s up to her. Novia, you do this, I take no responsibility for whatever happens. Ya got that?”

“I, um, think that I want to.” Luz stated.

“Your funeral, novia. Mabel, consent, right?”

“Grunkle Stan!! Who do you think I am?!”

“The girl who’s been commiting sexual assault since she was eight. Novia, remember, no means no! May God have mercy on you.”

“I’ll watch 'em a while Stan. I’m kind of interested in those wards myself.” Eda said.

“That doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence, dear. Whatever.” Stan replied. He looked at Dipper and Pacifica. “I suppose you two are off to whatever, too. At least you’re both over eighteen.”

Dipper blushed and Pacifica just grinned. “I’m going to show him who’s the worst!”

“My money’s on you, Blondie! Take him to school!” Stan grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My conceit is that playing cards with Stan rekindles Eda's enthusiasm for Hexas hold 'em in the next episode. I am enjoying tsundere Pacifica. Baka!


	15. Ink (and Other Fluids)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mabel shows off her tats.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mabel explains some of the wards. Eda starts something

So, Stan was left alone in his rooms to finally take off his pants and get comfortable. Dipper and Pacifica crossed the hall to his rooms, went in, and the door reopened and a tie was draped on the doorknob.

“Broseph, you’re not in the dorms now! My brother is SUCH a nerd! My room’s here! C’mon in!” Mabel said, opening the door to her own suite. Suddenly, sweater, skirt, crop-top, and shoes were flying in the air and Mabel was naked again. “Ah, that’s better! Go on, get comfortable, guys!”

“I’m fine, thanks.” Answered Eda, looking around the room. Everything was pastel or neon, padded or overstuffed. There were flowers. There was potpourri. There was also the scent of freshly baked cookies and cinnamon. There was faintly heard pop music coming from somewhere. The light was muted and somehow pink. It simultaneously managed to be somehow bright, almost clinical. The threat of sensory overload was very real. Eda had to stifle a gag reflex.

Luz was also taking it all in. She realized that the artwork on the walls, varying from photo-realistic to extremely abstract, the knick-knacks on the shelves, the bowls holding the potpourri and the vases holding the flowers, everything in the room was made by the hands of the girl naked in front of her. Wow. A fellow artist. King bounded off of her shoulder onto a beanbag chair the color of a tennis ball.

Mabel noticed the scrutiny being given her quarters. “Like it?! I can go a bit overboard sometimes! You shoulda seen Mabeland! Now, that was over the top!”

Eda shuddered. She didn’t want to imagine what the weird girl thought was over the top.

“Is this all you?” Luz asked.

“Mostly! Grunkle Ford and Fidds help out with carpentry and metalwork! But I’m getting pretty good with a lathe and welding torch nowdays! But, yeah, it’s all my vision! I like making stuff!” Mabel enthused.

King’s voice came from the bedroom. “Hey, Shooting Star! You have an army?!”

“I do?! Cool!” Mabel rushed into her bedroom to see her army. King was right, there was an army of stuffed animals covering about half her bed. “Oh, yeah! Those guys! They’re not an army, they’re just my buddies!”

“I’ve got a start, Shooting Star! I’ve got François!” King said, showing her François.

Mabel reached for the bunny. “You know, cutie-pie, I can fix his eye in about a minute if you want! Let me get a needle and thread!”

King snatched the toy out of her grip. “NO!! YOU MONSTER!! HE’S PERFECT!! There, there, François! King won’t let the bad lady hurt you! Weh!” King said, cradling the toy.

“Whoa, did I just get called out by Bill Cipher?! Wow!”

Luz had followed them into the bedroom. She became immediately aware that she was in another girl’s bedroom and that the girl was there too, naked as the day she was born. The girl had kissed her earlier that day. She wanted to kiss her again. She wanted to throw her into the bed and kiss every inch of her. She wanted to make her beg and call her name. She wanted the girl to ravage her and teach her how to make someone beg and call her name. She wanted to disappear. She wanted to die. She wanted, oh how she wanted, to wake up in her own bed in Paterson. Oh, god, she’s looking at me! The pretty, naked, pretty naked girl is LOOKING at me! Luz felt like she could just melt into the floor and she was pretty sure that even in a completely dark room she could read by the light of her own blushing.

“Oh, hey cutie! C’mon, let’s show you and Graunty Eda my tats!” Mabel took her by the hand and skipped, literally skipped, back into the main room. Eda was supine on the most comfortable couch in the room, snoring gently. She was wearing dark glasses against the assault of the room’s décor. Mabel half sang “Grauuuunty Eeeeda…” 

Eda sat up, yawned, snorted, and said “Huh? What? Oh, right! Weird girl. Come here, kid, let’s check out those wards. Luz, sit here next to me in case I need help with human stuff.” She took Mabel by the wrist and drew her close, sliding the sunglasses onto her forehead. “Uh-huh, uh-huh, I see, interlocking, Luz, does this mean anything to you?” She pointed at a swimming merman and a bouquet of roses from which butterflies were flying.

“I don’t know, a mer-boy and some flowers?”

“No, the pattern underneath.”

“I don’t- Oh! It’s kind of a yin and yang deal.”

“Yeah, that’s the Dao! I got ‘em all, Taoism, Buddhism, Shinto stuff, Hindu mandalas, pentagrams, hexagrams, the Tree of Life, and the stations of the cross! Oh, and the five pillars of Islam! Or seven if you’re Shia! The mer-boy’s Mermando, he was my first kiss!” Mabel explained.

“Your first kiss was with a merman?!” Luz blurted.

“Yeah, back when I was twelve! He was kinda Dipper’s too, I got the picture somewhere! Dipper doesn’t count it though, the heteronormative stick in the mud! Who was yours, cutie?!”

“Um, you!”

“Oh. Um. Wow. Holy Moses, I had no idea! I, um, I wouldn’t have…Luz, you’re so pretty and together and sexy and…you’re a dimension hopper for crying out loud! You’re an apprentice witch! I thought…Mabel, you done diddled another virgin!! Oh, Dipper’s going to be so ‘I told you so'! Honey, sweetie, I’m sorry!”

“Don’t be, I liked it! How come you don’t have any unicorns?”

“Unicorns?! I’m friends with a couple, but for the most part, they’re jerks!”

Luz turned to her mentor. “Is that true, Eda?” she asked.

“Mostly. There’s unicorns and unicorns, y’know? Most of 'em are dumb animals, voracious flesh-eaters, but some of ‘em are…” she shuddered. “literary critics! It’s horrible!” Eda replied.

“I know, right?! It’s all posing this, prancing that, you’re not good enough! It’s enough to make a girl barf!” Mabel said. “But if you want one, cutie, I’ll be glad to give it to ya! I got my needle somewhere! I’m thinking left butt cheek?!”

“You do tattoos? Did you do your own?” Luz asked, enthralled.

“Some of 'em! I’m left handed, so I couldn’t do my arm, and I didn’t do my back! I’m not that bendy! Grunkle Ford and Dipper did most of ‘em, and Grunkle Ford’s responsible for the whole layout! That’s why they’re magic! I gotta go to Spider in town for the intimate places, though! Let me put a unicorn on your tuchis, cutie!”

“I, I couldn’t! My mom would kill me! Besides, I’m…shy?” Luz stammered. 

“Honeybaby, we were canoodling naked in the pool before dinner! I think the time for shyness is past, don’t you?!”

“Listen you two! I don’t have time for this teenage girl nonsense! Stan was right, it’s a pain in the ass!” Eda said, sternly. “If ya wanna do it, do it! Me, I want to finish looking at these wards because they’re fascinating and then, weird girl, I am going back across the hall and fucking the living daylights out of your uncle. Lift your arm, weird girl. What’s this one?” she touched a circle just under Mabel’s armpit.

It was a light glyph! Luz thought she had seen that on top of Mabel’s shoulder. She looked again, not quite. That one was simpler, no center line in the triangle and no diagonal slashes. 

“That’s Da'at, knowledge, part of the tree of life.” Mabel responded.

Luz touched the circle on Mabel’s shoulder. “So what’s this one?”

“That’s Keter, the crown! That’s everything, the Ein Sof, Ehyeh Asher Ehyeh!”

Not Latin, not spanish, not english. This family’s kind of scary. Does Mabel speak dozens of languages? Luz wondered. 

“Uh-huh. So these eleven are all linked, and that’s the tree of life?” Eda asked.

“Well, there’s only supposed to be ten. The crown doesn’t count, it’s the whole thing. Grunkle Ford calls it infinite regression but only him and Dipper get it. Something to do with fractals.” Mabel said.

“I recognize two of these! That’s a healing glyph from the healing coven and the power glyph from the construction coven!” Eda exclaimed, touching each in turn.

“Tiferet, beauty and Yesod, foundation! Grunkle Ford found his versions of the sefirot in an old fourteenth century book, I think there’s like only three copies in the world!” 

“Right. Luz, give me your hand.” Eda guided Luz’s hand to another circle, just where Mabel’s left breast was beginning to swell. “What’s this one?” Eda asked.

“Chesed, kindness!” Mabel said, smiling broadly. Eda gave Luz’s hand a little push and Luz had a handful of Mabel’s left breast again.

“And that one?” Eda asked.

“That’s my tit!” Mabel said brightly.

“Aaand that’s my cue, I’m out! Have fun girls! I know I will!” Eda said and headed across the hall. 

“So now what, cutie?!” Mabel asked. 

“I don’t know.” Luz responded. Time passed, about a minute.

“It’s just that you still have my tit!”

“I know.” More time passed.

“Gonna do anything with it?!”

“I don’t know.” Time continued to tick away.

“Righty’s getting jealous!” Mabel said.

“What?” Luz asked.

“Righty’s getting jealous!” Mabel said.

“Oh. What should I do?” Luz asked. Mabel moved Luz’s left hand to Mabel’s right breast and put Luz’s right hand on her left breast.

“There we go! All even! Mind if I sit down?!” Mabel asked.

“N-no.” Luz stuttered. The next thing she knew, there was a naked girl sitting on her lap, wrapping her legs around her back. This is wonderful, thought Luz. No, this is horrible! I’ve got the prettiest, coolest girl I ever saw naked in my lap, her boobs in my hands and I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING! I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! AUGHHH!! I’M SUCH AN IDIOT!! Luz felt like banging her head against something, so she did. It was the third bang when she realized that because of the way she was positioned, what she was banging her head against was Mabel. Specifically, her chest. Oh, God, please let me die RIGHT NOW!!

“No, don’t stop, that’s working for me!” Mabel said.

“Wh-what?!”

“Keep doing what you’re doing!” 

So Luz continued to hit her head against Mabel’s chest, she tightened up the grip with her hands and noticed hard nipples against her palms, Mabel’s hips started rocking and her breathing quickened. Wow, I’m all tingly thought Luz. I think I could drive a nail with my nipples and WHAT IS GOING ON BETWEEN MY LEGS?! Mabel took her face in her hands and I’m getting kissed again and oh, God she’s sucking my tongue and….all thought stopped. White noise. Wave after wave of pure bliss. Did I die and go to heaven? The world came back and I’m still kissing Mabel and her hand is in my hoodie and her other hand is in my pants with a handful of my trasero and is my finger inside her and WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!

“There you are, baby! Was it good for you too?!” Mabel asked her, face flushed, sweat dripping. She fell onto the couch.

“I, I think so! Wait, too?” Luz replied. It was hard to talk, she was breathing heavy.

“Oh, it was GREAT for me, babydoll! Luz Noceda, you’re a damn animal! Eight times!”

“Who the what, now?”

“I came eight times! You’re a great kisser and a G-spot tornado! Sorry about your pants, cutie! I squirt!”

Luz looked down. There was a damp spot on the front of her shorts. There was a scent wafting up, she thought it was heavenly. WHAT DID I DO?? I just kinda blacked out there! Whatever it was, I guess it was the right thing to do. She realized that the first two fingers of her right hand were, no other word for it, moist. Noceda, you might be a rapist! Jesus! Unable to stop herself, she lifted her hand to her nose and sniffed. Heavenly.

“Taste it!” the other girl said.

“Wha-what?!”

“Taste it! Taste me!”

Luz reluctantly did. It was delicious, unlike anything she had tasted before. Salty, sweet somehow, just wow!

“Wanna come to bed, sweetie?! I know I promised not to ravage you, but I kinda owe you one now! Or eight! Seven at least, right?!” Mabel said, winking.

Luz realized that not all the dampness on her shorts was from Mabel. “I, um, I guess!” she muttered.

“You guess?! You GUESS?!! That’s not right, hon, you gotta know! ‘Sides, I wanna taste you!”

“I, I couldn’t! I shouldn’t? I mean, I want to, but I don’t, and I can’t, I mean I’m only fourteen and oh God, I’m going to hell and I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t even know what I did and AUGHHH!!” Noceda, what did you DO? What are you doing? Why am I like this, ruining whatever this is because I’m just a clusterclump of awkwardness and I don’t know and I’ve ruined it, I hurt her feelings just because I’m bad with people, and they’re right, I hurt everyone I love and I’m scared, I’m so scared, I want to go to bed with her but I’m scared because I don’t know what I did that was so good and I don’t know how to do it again and WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

“It’s okay, cutie! Relax! Take a chill pill, I used to be able to get those from trees, whatever you want! I can wait ‘til later! I’ll be here all summer if you change your mind!” Mabel said, patting her hand.

“You, you’re not mad?” Luz asked.

“Why would I be mad?! I got mine, you’re the one gettin’ shortchanged here! I get it, first time, you gotta think some stuff out!” Mabel said.

There was a voice from the bedroom. “You two done? Is it safe to come out now? I don’t get involved with goings-on!” King toddled out from the bedroom.

“Oh, King! I’m sorry, I kinda forgot about you. Lo ciento.” Luz apologized. She had forgotten all about him. 

“It happens. I put up with this all the time from Eda. Can we go to sleep now, Luz? These sleep cocoons look extra fluffy!”

“Sure thing, King! Aw, crud! I didn’t bring my pajamas!” Luz said.

“I gotcha covered, cutie! One sec!” Mabel disappeared into the bedroom and returned with a long t-shirt. It was a faded purple and had some kind of design on the front, a black square with lines on it.

“Is that some sort of glyph?” Luz asked.

“It’s a floppy disk, silly! They used to use them for computers, back in dinosaur times or whatever! Keep it, dad got me dozens of ‘em!” Mabel told her. 

“Thanks. Um, this is embarrassing, but I’d feel weird just going around with your, um, juice all over my shorts. Is there a washing machine somewhere?”

“HA! Mabel Juice! Good one! Just press the blue button by your door, one of the ‘bots’ll be right up to do whatever you want.” Mabel explained.

I don’t see what’s so funny about Mabel juice, but whatever. “Okay, thanks. Goodnight, Mabel.”

“Goodnight, cutie! Sure you don’t want me to rock your world?!”

“I’m sure you could, but not tonight, okay? ‘Night, Mabes”

“ ‘Night, Luz! Sleep tight!” Luz went across the hall with King on her shoulder, stripped completely, put on the nightshirt Mabel gave her, used the blue button and Ferlin came for her laundry, and curled up in her normal sleeping position on her side. King turned around three time and immediately went to sleep. Luz lay there, thinking. Noceda, you had sex tonight! Sex! Wow! I just wish I remembered it! She drifted off to sleep herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, bumped the rating up. Some people were wanting smut, and the ones who didn't all left already. It's mostly in your heads though. Incidentally, I have the entire zodiac and several spells all linked to positions in the sephiroth. Try it yourself, it's a fun exercise! 
> 
> What, you were expecting the chapter title to be "Liquor in the Rear"? Frankly, it was drafted that Luz would freak out and leave right after Eda did, but writing it Luz and Mabel had other ideas. It's like herding cats, these characters!


	16. Breakfast at Hootenannies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day after. Breakfast. Plans for the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's got to be a morning after.

Luz slept. As she slept she dreamed. It seemed she heard a voice, like King’s but different somehow. It had spoken to her while she was kissing Mabel. It offered to help. “Sunshine,” it said, “I'll take it from here. I know what Shooting Star likes.” Then it said something she was sure wasn’t any language. It sort of rhymed. In the dream she remembered everything she had done to and with Mabel. Wow! She didn’t BELIEVE some of the things she did! Where did THAT come from? Her own experience was strictly letting the shower hit her nipples and between her legs and she felt vaguely guilty about that! She fell into a deeper sleep.

Luz drifted into a light doze. She felt warm and safe, like a little spoon. She woke up and realized that she was a little spoon, there was a shapely arm wrapped around her belly. She gave a little squeak of alarm and leapt from the bed.

“Good morning, cutie!” Mabel said. “I got lonely!” The older girl was wearing a nightshirt identical to the one she was wearing. It didn’t cover nearly as much. She also had on a pair of purple socks. Luz preferred to sleep in socks as well, but she had left hers in the Boiling Isles. Mabel continued. “Don’t worry! I was a GOOD girl! I didn’t do anything, I just didn’t want to sleep alone! I, uh, I hope you’re okay with that, I forget other people have personal space sometimes! Oh, Mabel! You still gotta work on yo'self!”

“It-It’s good. I had the most wonderful dreams. Did I really bite your…?”

“Both of ‘em!”

“And tug on…?”

“Yep!”

“Tell me I DIDN’T slap your face!” Luz begged.

“Uh-huh! Forehand and backhand! It’s all good, I like it rough! Eight times, cutie! C’mon, let’s get breakfast!” Mabel replied, an incandescent smile on her face.

“Oh, man! How late is it? I’ve got deliveries to make! Eda’s going to kill me!” Luz worried.

“Graunty Eda?! Don’t worry, Grunkle Stan kept her busy last night! I’m not sure they slept! Graunty Eda’s a screamer! You slept through that?!” Mabel said. She whipped off the nightshirt and was naked again. She went to the dresser in the room and there were two piles of clothes there. Luz’s own and some for Mabel. Mabel pulled on a pair of tie-dyed leggings in various shades of purple, a pale pastel lilac pleated skirt, a pink crop-top tank top, and a deep purple sweater with a cat’s face on it. The sweater had spangles on it and rode low on one shoulder, exposing the strap of the tank top. She pulled a brush out of the sweater and brushed her long green hair. She couldn’t make any headway with two tufts of hair sticking up on the back of her head. “Dang Pines cowlick! Can’t do anything with it!” she said to her reflection in the mirror. She stuck a headband covered with little purple flowers on, it didn’t really go with her hair, but somehow the total effect was stunning. She was incredibly beautiful, dressed or undressed.

Luz blushed and swallowed. This is different from Willow! I’ve DONE things with this girl! I’ve done things TO this girl! She took off her nightshirt and stood there naked. Mabel watched her in the mirror as she reached for her clothes. The older girl had a distinct look of hunger that had nothing to do with breakfast. How did this happen? I’m a skinny dominican runt, the weird girl nobody likes! She’s a college girl, cool and gorgeous! And she LIKES me! She likes ME! What did Willow call her? Her girlfriend? No way! Well…. Maybe? No! Life doesn’t do that for Luz Noceda! Oh, God, she just licked her lips and winked! Now I’m getting all tingly again! Better get dressed before I do something stupid! Panties, bra, leggings, shorts, hoodie. Her clothes were all impeccably clean, freshly pressed, and smelled vaguely of flowers. I bet Willow could tell me what flowers. Okay, I’m dressed. Dang it, I like being naked with Mabel! Dream on, Noceda! Where’s my stupid shoes? Right, I kicked them off in the living room. 

Mabel suddenly grabbed her and gave her a passionate kiss. “I’m bein’ good, honey! It was all I could do to not throw you into bed and have YOU for breakfast! You’re irresistible, ya know that?!”

“I, I am?” Luz sputtered.

“Modest, too! I’m SO glad I got me a Catholic girl!” Mabel started singing.  
”🎵 Catholic Girls  
Do you know how they go?  
All the way  
(That’s right, all the way!)  
That’s the way they go  
Every day  
(That’s right!)  
And none of their mamas ever seem to know!🎵”

“What the heck was that?!” Luz asked.

“Oh, just one of Grunkle Stan’s favorite songs! Dad’s too, he used to sing it to mom! He got his Catholic girl and now I’ve got mine! Eight times! You’re an animal, sweetie!”

“I, um, I didn’t really know what I was doing.” Luz confessed again.

“Thank goodness! Ya mighta killed me, otherwise! Breakfast?!” 

“Yeah, sounds good. Breakfast, King?” Luz asked the sleeping demon. 

King opened his eyes and lifted his head. “Food? Yes! Away, fair chariot! Away!” He claimed his accustomed place on Luz’s shoulder.

They went into the living room, Luz slipped on her shoes and Mabel took her hand and skipped across the hall. There she put on a pair of light purple Chuck Taylor All Stars. Luz didn’t know Converse even made that color. (They didn’t. It was a Mabel dye job.) Mabel led them through the maze back to the dining room. Stan, Ford, and Dipper were already there along with Old man McGucket and a younger man Luz didn’t recognize. With short, brown hair reaching down to the nape of his neck, covered by an olive green baseball cap. He wears the baseball cap low; so much so as to obscure his eyes from view. He had a large nose like old man McGucket. He wears a fairly simple uniform, consisting of a faded olive green polo shirt with a name-tag reading “Tate”, a pair of brown pants worn unnecessarily high, held to such height by a black belt with a yellow buckle, and a pair of simple, black shoes with gray toes. Stan had on a different hawaiian shirt and slacks, but still sported the maroon knit cap. Ford and Dipper were dressed exactly the same as they were yesterday. Luz felt a little less self-conscious about wearing the same outfit. Stan was finishing off a plate of scrambled eggs, hash browns and pork products, bacon, sausage AND ham, Ford had plain oatmeal and a fruit cup, Dipper had pushed away a bowl which once contained shredded wheat. He and Ford were sipping coffee. Luz and Mabel took seats. 

One of the robots rolled up to Luz. “Whut kin I git yew, miz?” it asked.

“Desayuno Dominicano completo, plantains, onions, salami, fried eggs, fried cheese, and avocado.” Luz replied.

“Don’ got no plantains, miz. Hash browns do?” The robot said.

Luz considered herself lucky to be getting any of it. Mami usually only made it for special occasions. “That will be fine, thank you.” 

“Coffee, miz?”

“Orange juice, I think.”

“I’ll have what Luz is having.” Said King.

“An’ fer yew, miz Mabel?”

“I’m torn, Ferlin! Do I want pancakes with whipped cream and berries, or syrup on cereal?! The hell with it! Gimme the pancakes! And a big glass of Mabel juice!” Mabel answered. Luz glanced at her shorts at the mention of Mabel juice. 

Pacifica Northwest strode into the room. She was wearing something much like she was yesterday, except the blouse was pastel pink and the jacket and skirt were hot pink. She had pink eyeshadow to match but kept with the black leggings and boots. She had an extra button open on her blouse and was exposing even more of her cleavage. It was still a pretty good cleavage thought Luz.

She spoke. “Ferlin! I’d like half a grapefruit, coffee, cream, two sugars, and a small glass of OJ, please! Chop, chop! Dipper! What’s on the agenda for today? I have the evening shift at the diner, I’m not due 'til six. Let’s have some fun!”

“Didn’t you have fun last night?” Dipper asked.

“Who’s the worst, nerd-boy?” she responded.

“Not you, that’s for sure! I just hope it isn’t me!” Dipper answered. 

“You’re not the worst, dummy. I’m pretty hard to satisfy. Oh, good morning, everyone.”

Variations of 'good morning' were heard. Mabel grumbled that she wanted to match Pacifica but Paz went with pink today.

Eda stumbled in, wearing her casual wear, bleary-eyed and sat down next to Stan. She blinked at the company owlishly. 

“ 'Bout time you got up, sleepyhead!” Stan boomed at her.

“Bite me, Saul!” Eda snapped.

“What, again? If you insist, Marilyn.” Stan bit her neck.

“Not in front of the kids! It’s no fun if you turn it around on me, Stan! Ugh, it’s too early! Why do they always have mornings so early?”

“It’s the nature of time, Edalyn.” Ford said.

“You can bite me, too, dweebus! I haven’t even had my apple blood yet!”

Ferlin rolled up with a tray containing a flask of apple blood, a flask of elixir, and a cup of coffee. “Here yew are, Ma’am.” It said.

Eda downed all three in quick succession. “That’s better! I can face the world now! Crap, it’s not even MY world! That cawfee stuff is growing on me. Luz, do you know how to make it?”

“Sure, but we’ll need a coffee maker. And coffee.”

“Not a problem, darlin’! Ferlin, have Porter stick a Bonavita an' some Kona beans in miz Clawthorne’s bag.” McGucket said.

“Done, boss.” Ferlin replied. 

“What ya want for breakfast, Eda?” Stan asked.

“Right, you humans have a thing about eating first thing in the morning. I don’t know, some kind of scrambled meat?” Eda answered. She squinted at Pacifica. "King?" She asked. "Do you think I could pull off red eyeshadow?"

"Girl, you can pull off anything! We're style geniuses!"

“Ferlin, get her some brown meat hash. You’ll love it, Eda! It’s apocolicious!” Stan ordered.

Ferlin whisked away and soon returned with two desayuno Dominicano completos, two orange juices, pancakes with whipped cream and three kinds of berries, a glass of some neon green concoction with ice and plastic dinosaurs in it, half a grapefruit and coffee with cream and two sugars. Luz looked at her plate. It was perfect! Two fried eggs, sunny side up but medium, four thick slices of fried salami, four slices of fried cheese, hash browns with onions and half an avocado diced. She tucked in and it was even better than mom’s! King seemed to be enjoying his, too.

“This is good, Luz! Can we have it every day?” King asked.

“Can’t do that, little guy! Your arteries would seize right up! This is only for special occasions!” Luz explained.

“Why, thank you, cutie!” Mabel exclaimed. Luz felt a foot run up her leg again.

“Mabel!” Stan growled. “Novia, at least tell me she got consent.”

“It wasn’t like that, Grunkle Stan! I was a GOOD girl! Luz took charge and rocked MY world! Right, sweetie?!”

“Yeah, I kinda lost my head. I mean, look at her!” Luz rationalized.

“She’s my niece, novia. My grand-niece. That’s kinda sick.”

“Lo siento, Stan. Olvidé. Ella es maravillosa.”

“Sí, novia. Ella es. De nada.”

“Leave them be, Stan. It’s cute. I approve! Good for you, kiddo!” Eda argued. She had a plate of scrambled meat and potatoes placed in front of her. She dug in. She talked through the mouthful of food. “Luz, when we finish breakfast, we’re going home. You have deliveries to make!”

“Ooh, can we come?! I haven’t been out of this dimension for forever!” Mabel said.

“And I’ve never been!” Dipper added. “What do you think, Pacifica? Does another dimension sound like fun?”

“I was thinking Mini-Golf or the mall. Is it safe?” Pacifica responded.

“Nowhere is safe, miss Northwest. I’ve been to worse places. Many things will try to eat you or defraud you. Just like here. Dipper, I think this will be good for you. They have many of the things you’re learning to deal with. Vampires, were-creatures, demons of all forms, nearly everyone uses magic. One moment.” Ford said and left the room.

Tate McGucket spoke for the first time that morning. “Might as well. Goin’ rain today.” He left as well.

“There yew are! If Tater says it’s gonna rain, it’s gonna rain.” McGucket said.

Ford returned, carrying strange sticks with wires and glowing crystals. “Here,” he said. “technology can be hit or miss in the Boiling Isles, but technomancy works quite well. These are alder and willow, very responsive, piezoelectric quartz, incredibly useful in focusing magical forces and a lithium germanium battery of my own design. These wands will tap into the natural background magic of the Boiling Isles as well as carry a charge of their own. Witches have a biological source of magic but these will allow you to work magic like you do here in Gravity Falls. With these you should be able to use incantations the way you normally do here. Just make a circle and point!”

“10-4, Grunkle Ford!” Mabel agreed.

“Now, you all have the other magical accoutrements I’ve given you, right? Your knives, holy water, and your brains?” Dipper, Mabel and Pacifica all nodded. “Miss Northwest, stay close to the twins! They’re warded, especially Mabel. Kids, protect Pacifica! She’s vulnerable!”

“I do carry a glock, Dr. Pines. Magical things don’t like getting shot anymore than anyone else does!”

“Good, good, that’ll do nicely. Gunpowder works perfectly well in the Boiling Isles. Now remember! Most ‘monsters’ you’ll meet are just ordinary citizens going about their business! Don’t start trouble! You wouldn’t attack a manotaur, a gnome, or something else unknown all willy-nilly! Don’t do so there either! You’re guests! Have respect!” Ford expounded.

“Eda? Can my new friends come and visit?” Luz asked.

“If you babysit 'em, kid. I need some sleep! King! You’ll help watch the sprouts, right? Luz, you’ll watch King!”

"There goes my morning nap!" Complained King.

So it was decided. The kids would go on an expedition to the Boiling Isles. It was going to rain here anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ovg nv gvoo blf dszg z uirvmw'oo,  
> Hsllgrmt Hgzi wlm'g orpv rg tvmgov.  
> Ru blf wlm'g dzmg svi gl uildm,  
> Yvzg svi fk zmw grv svi wldm.


	17. Bonesborough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wendy appears briefly, because I love her. Dipper, Mabel, and Pacifica head to the Boiling Isles. Deliveries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to the Owl House.

The tall red-headed girl, woman, from yesterday strode into the dining room wearing a green plaid flannel shirt, torn jeans, muddy boots and a fur ushanka. She looked around. “Here everyone is. I wanted to catch you before I went to work. I hardly got to see my dorks and the Stan twins yesterday! What was the deal with the code yellow? Who’s the weird lady? Who’s the Mexican chick with the bony cat that sounds like the triangle of terror? Like, what’s the deal, dudes?”

“The code yellow was a mistake, Wendy. A misunderstanding. The weird lady is my ex-wife. The Island girl is her, um, student. She’s not Mexican, not every brown person who speaks Spanish is Mexican, you know better than that! The bony cat may or may not be Bill Cipher, but we’re told that’s a good thing. I’m sorry you couldn’t spend any time with us, but I’m glad Soos is getting some work out of you!”

“Dude, you have no idea! Soos is a regular slave driver, well, not really, except he’s so nice I can’t manage to slack off! Wow, so you’re the famous Marilyn? Dude, you’re, like, a legend around here! The one that got away, with all Stan’s winnings and his car! High speed chases, Vegas PD, Clark county sheriffs, black fuckin’ helicopters for all I know, ditch the Stanleymobile in a ditch and make a clean getaway! Mad respect, dude! Stan, you said she was hot, but I didn’t believe you! Mind if I boink your ex? Jus’ playin’! Unless you’re interested, lady! Another silver fox! I usually go for older guys and younger women, but I’m willing to make an exception! You are HOT!” Wendy jabbered.

“You’re not so bad yourself, stringbean. We’ll see.” Eda answered.

“Cool!” the red-haired woman replied. She turned to Luz. “Hey, dude, sorry! No disrespect intended. Not many island chicks on the left coast, y’know? Los cee ent toe, is that right? I, like, flunked spanish, dude. So Stan’s ex is your teacher, huh? What’s she teachin’? You learnin’ grand theft felony or what, dude?”

“Witchcraft.” Answered Luz. She was nonplussed at the woman’s sheer energy and awesomeness. 

“No shit? That’s too cool! Wait a tick-was it you who blinded us yesterday? That’s awesome, man! Dip, Mabes, that’s awesome, right? Dude, I’m jealous! I mean, I’m the red-head, I should be the witch, right? Dr. Pines, Fidds, shouldn’t I be the witch? I mean it’s, like, traditional! Hey, have you guys torn the universe a new one lately? Just foolin’! Yo, Paz, ‘sup? You keepin’ our boy happy?”

If looks could kill, the red-head would be dead where she stood. “I’m fine, lumberjack girl. Dipper is fine.” Pacifica responded in a tone that could flash-freeze a full side of beef.

The red-head just laughed. “Easy, Paz. You won him fair and square. Just remember, Dip! If you ever want a threesome, I’m your girl! I figure it’d be a feather in my cap if I nailed Paz before Mabel did! Speaking of caps…” She took the cap from Dipper's head, put it on her own and replaced it with the ushanka. “…that’s why I came, it’s hat-swapping time! Later, dorks! I gotta get to work! Got to sell cheap crap to stupid people!”

“You don’t sell crap, Corduroy! You sell wonder!” Stan told her.

“Sure, Stan! You and Soos buy wonder at three cents a unit from Korea and move it anywhere from twenty to two-hundred bucks per! I’m too old for fairy tales, boss! Later days, amigos! I’m outta here!” she left the room the way she came in, like a gale. Luz felt like she had been caught in the boiling rain, maybe a gorenado.

“Why do you put up with her, Dipper?” Pacifica demanded.

“She’s still my best friend, Paz!” Dipper replied.

“Hey!” both Pacifica and Mabel objected.

“You know what I mean!” Dipper rationalized.

Since there was a ban on magic in the dining room, they proceeded to a hallway to open the door. Eda, dressed in her sleeveless two-tone maroon dress with a ripped-like hem design and gray leggings again, Luz, King, Dipper, Mabel, and Pacifica passed into the living room of the Owl House. Eda dropped the tote bag full of coffee maker, coffee, Luz’s new nightshirt, and a ukulele for King on the floor.

“Welcome to... the Owl House!” Eda intoned. The lights came on and the glowing owl lit up the ceiling. Mabel was impressed with the showmanship and approved of the décor. Dipper was enchanted, much the same way Gus had been in the human realm. Mabel saw the wanted posters. 

“Check it out, bro-bro! We’re related to criminals on this side, too! Why, Luz! You rascal, you rogue, you reprobate! Banned from where, exactly?!” Mabel asked.

“Hexside School of Magic and Demonics.” Responded Luz. No stutters or stammers here, the Boiling Isles were HER turf! She felt more confident already! “I got caught helping Willow cheat in abomination class. She got bumped to the plant track but I got banned.”

“Ah, baby’s first wanted poster!” Eda said proudly.

Dipper was taken by Eda’s wanted poster. “Wow! A trillion whatevers. Mabes, Grunkle Ford was never more than a billion blemflarks, was he?”

“I should know?! Dipple-stipple, I never paid enough attention to the journals to remember numbers! That’s your thing!”

Pacifica’s memory was being nudged. “Dipper? Wasn’t there a wanted poster for your aunt in the crawlspace?”

“Why, Graunty Eda! Have you been stalking my Grunkle?! How romantic!” Mabel gushed.

“Eda? That’s a little creepy, don’t you think?” Luz observed.

“I might’ve looked in on him from time to time. To make sure he was still alive, ya understand? Besides, the crawlspace was a great market for potions for a while. But this creep kept trying to ask me out! Tall guy in a black suit, skinny, no face. Just a slender man, y’know? He NEVER had his wallet! Jerk! Anyway, I ran into a spot of trouble. My sleep potions worked a little too well on gnomes, Theda, the hand witch, wasn’t satisfied with one of my love potions, she should’ve mentioned she wanted more than a week, and some idiot got himself skewered after taking an immortality potion. If he wanted an invulnerability potion, he should’ve specified!”

“You can make an immortality potion?!” Dipper asked, incredulously.

“Of course not, kid! By the time the mark finds out it isn’t, you’re long out of town! If he doesn’t get himself stuck on a pike.” Eda explained, as if to the hard of thinking.

Eda went behind a screen, there was a flash of light and she emerged in her scroungy sweater, skirt, and slipper combo. She fell face-down on the sofa. She mumbled into the cushion, “Luz, take your friends and go run your deliveries. King, watch ‘em. I need sleep! I’m a very sleepy little owl!” She curled up and pulled a blanket over herself.

Luz saluted. “Aye aye, mi capitana!” Luz disappeared and returned toting a bag nearly as big as she was. She set it down and pulled up her hood. “Meow, meow!” she said as she made sure that the cat ears on the hood were straight. King took up his position on her shoulder.

Mabel was nearly overcome by cuteness overload. “Omigod!! A CAT hoodie?! Dipper, have I mentioned I love this girl?!”

“I think it came up, Mabes.” Dipper said, dryly.

“Listen, guys? You might want to cover your ears, it’ll make you less noticeable. Most witches and demons wouldn’t know a human if one bit them, but some might. Humans are considered pretty weird here. Just a thought.” Luz told them. Pacifica’s hair covered her ears and Dipper let down the earflaps on his hat. Mabel reluctantly removed her headband, letting her hair cover her right ear. There was nothing she could do about the left, on the side where her head was shaved. They headed out the door. “Hooty? These are my friends, right? If they come around, don’t chase them away.” Luz told the door.

“Hooty hey, Luz! Hi, dudes! Any friends of Luz’s are friends of mine! Hoot!”

“I start to see why King wanted to shuffle his face.” Dipper muttered.

“I know, right? To know him is to loathe him!” King said.

Mabel was taken by the color of the woods. “Wow, the entire forest is an autumn! IS it autumn?!”

“Naw, trees here are all reds and oranges. I like it! It goes better with my hair!” Luz replied.

The group made their way into Bonesborough. The usual activities of the residents were on display, conning, pick-pocketing, some residents outright devouring others. Luz was used to it. Pacifica was terrified, Dipper and Mabel were unsettled, King was bored. Some of it was wholesome. A millepede, pillbug thing with Thomas the Tank Engine’s face and a ridiculous hat coughed up a little bird who turned around, gave him a quick goodbye kiss and flew away. Mabel looked on with puppy-dog eyes and let out an “Aww!” A gelatinous mass with a visible nervous system was pushing a cart labeled “Not Dogs'. Luz came to her first stop, got Mabel to ring the doorbell and cracked up when the doorbell swallowed Mabel’s arm. “Don’t panic.” She told Mabel. “It just wants a taste. It’s kind of like people with cameras on their doors back home!” Mabel relaxed, the doorbell released her arm, and the door opened. “Good morning, Mrs. Mdidhhfbkjg! Here’s your boil cream! That’ll be five snails!” 

They carried on, selling snake oil (no one wants an unoiled snake, Luz told them), love philtres, sleep aids, cream to remove boils, cream to give you boils, hair remover, hair restorer, hair conditioner, and herbal shampoo. 

They pass by a shop called Cat Café. Mabel decides she has to go in. She runs out a moment later, chased by a woman with brownish-gray spiked hair and pale skin. She has pointed ears, a large birthmark by her chin, and wears heart earrings. Her eyes are blue and she has under eye bags. She wears a sleeveless hot pink collared shirt on top of a pastel pink and blue striped long sleeved top, with a yellow apron advertising her café over it. She’s hitting Mabel with a broom. 

“Dottie! A teen has come to steal our little babies!” she shouts. 

She’s followed out of the café by another woman dressed like the first, with pale skin with chubby, drooping cheeks and pointy ears. She has a wart on her right cheek, wears blue glasses with pink rims, and a tuft of light brown hair peeking out of her hair net. She screeches like a banshee. She has a mouthful of razor sharp teeth.

“Look, I just wanted a cup of coffee!” argued Mabel.

“No, you’re don’t. You’re a rotten teen! But when we finish with you, you’ll be calling for your mother.” The first woman, who isn’t Dottie said, still hitting Mabel with a broom. The kids start running and soon outdistance the old biddies.

“There’s your vampires, Mabes!” Dipper says, catching his breath. “They remind me of the ghosts of Ma and Pa Duskerton! They hated teens, too! This whole place is like if Bill had won! You’re happy here, Luz?”

“Well, yeah! It may not be the PG fantasy world of my dreams, but it’s exciting! There’s never a dull moment in the Boiling Isles! Oh, hey, it’s my friends!”

It was. Willow and Gus were walking down the street. Luz ran up and hugged them. “Willow! Gus! Where are you guys headed?” She asked. 

“School, of course.” Willow replied. “Oh, hi, Dipper, Mabel. You made it! How do you like the Boiling Isles? Who’s your friend?”

“It’s a little much. This is my girlfriend, Pacifica. Paz, this is Willow and Gus, Luz’s friends.” Dipper said.

“Ours too, Dip-dop! Paz, Willow and Gus are witches, like Graunty Eda! Isn’t that cool! You’re going to school?! Witches school?! Can we come?!” Mabel effused.

“Um, Luz can’t! She’s kinda…banned. Sorry!” Gus said.

“No, don’t let me stop you! Hexside is awesome! You gotta go! Deliveries are boring and I still have half my route left! You guys should absolutely go and check it out!” Luz told them.

“Luz? Eda told us to watch the sprouts, remember?” King said, the voice of reason.

“Willow and Gus can watch ‘em! They’ll have fun, it’ll be better than boring old deliveries! We’ll make it a Luz and King morning!”

"That IS my favorite kind of morning!" King allowed.

Pacifica couldn’t resist. She loved puns. “Witch school are we going to? I spell a rat! I think that spells trouble!”

“Ooh, magic puns! I’ll have to use my imagicnation! Besides, I still have work to do, selling stuff on the black magic market! I gotta make money so Eda can get witch!” Luz joined in.

“Luz, you’re at an awkward mage. You need more elf-confidence. I know you, Luz! You’re head over healer in love! Sometimes I think you can’t seer beyond the end of your nose!” King added.

“Was that a retoracle question? It’s a woman’s rite to choose! I think we have the beginnings of the Luz and King comedy hour!”

“It’s not diffoccult. We have broom for improvement!”

“Don’t you mean broom for imbrooment?”

“See what you started Paz? Yeah, we’ll check out the school. I don’t think I can take the Luz and King comedy hour.” Dipper said.

“Don’t you mean the Luz and King comedy power?” Pacifica replied with a smirk.

“PACIFICA!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise some Amity next chapter! I couldn't resist the roots of the Luz and King comedy hour.


	18. Hexside School of Magic and Demonics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get to Hexside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gus impresses Eileen. Willow gets bullied. Amity and Boscha get schooled.

Leaving behind the hideous puns of the Luz and King comedy hour, Willow and Gus led Dipper, Mabel, and Pacifica out of Bonesborough and back into the woods. Practically retracing the route to the Owl House, they turned off and arrived at a Byzantine/Gothic building, as if the Cathédrale de Notre-Dame de Paris had had a bastard child with the Church of Hagia Sophia. 

“Interesting architecture.” Commented Dipper.

“I like it! All shimmering white, with a blue dome! Are those ironic columns, Dip-dop?!” Mabel asked.

“Ionic. They’re not ironic, Mabes, they’re actually holding stuff up. No, they’re more Doric, no fluting, although the capitals are nearly Babylonian. I can’t wait to see the inside!”

Gus ran up the stairs. “Welcome to the hallowed halls of the Hexside School of Magic and Demonics!” He made a florid gesture and the words 'Goodbye Forever' hung in the air in bright blue lettering and shimmering sparkles. “Oh, man! I gotta work on my welcome signs!”

“Never mind that!” Willow said, briefly glaring at Gus. “C’mon, friends! We’ll give you the tour! I can show you what plants not to touch!” she held her hand to her mouth in a conspiratorial manner. “and then let you touch them!” she whispered. They passed into the building.

The halls were filled with students. A girl looked at Dipper, Mabel, and Pacifica and came up to Gus. She had one eye. The cyclops appears human, but her entire head consists of an eyeball with yellow sclera and magenta iris and three large eyelashes. She has turquoise hair with long bangs on either side. She wears a gray tunic over a yellow-sleeved shirt with a black cowl. “Mph mm mfgl” she said to Gus

“Yeah, they’re real, Eileen! Real humans! I’ll tell you guys all about it at the next H.A.S. meeting!” Gus enthused.

“Mph mmm mph mfgl.” She replied.

“Easy for you to say! Up top!” Gus responded.

Eileen gave him a high-five. The H.A.S. had adopted it whole-heartedly. Bo had even taught it to Skara.

“Is it?” wondered Pacifica.

“I really like the Residents of this school!” Mabel said. 

Dipper clasped the bridge of his nose, head slumped. “Mabes, absolutely no one is going to get that joke.”

“One or two people might, Dipper! I owe it to ‘em!” Mabel replied, looking directly off the page at the reader. “Besides, it kinda goes with the architecture! 🎵 Now it’s Istanbul, not Constantinople…🎵” she sang.

“Uh-oh! Mean girls at one o’clock.” Pacifica announced. She knew the type, she was the type.

Sure enough, a posse of three girls were coming down the hall. The first had pale skin, chin-length hair with a ponytail pulling the front hair out of her face, and her eyes were golden. Like most witches, she has pointy ears. Her hair is two-toned, comprised of shades of aquamarine with brown hair—her natural hair color—visible at the roots. She wears a gray tunic with a dark gray belt, cowl, and boots. As part of the Abomination track, her sleeves and leggings are a greyish-pink color. Her uniform is made of significantly better cloth than most of the students, with a more tailored cut. Her cohorts, her partners in crime also wore better clothing, but not as good as hers. The rest of her attire includes wearing triangle-shaped black earrings and black nail polish. She has a star pin on her cowl, which shows that she is the Top Student. She wears dark grey, heeled boots, with a light grey top.

Her accomplice, her major-domo was a slender figure with pink skin, Gray-blue eyes, and violet hair tied back in a bun. Like most witches on the Boiling Isles, she has pointy ears but also has a third eye on her forehead. She also wore the Hexside uniform, a dark gray tunic with a dark gray belt, hoodie, and boots. As part of the Potions track, the color of her sleeves and leggings are a mustard yellow.

The third, an obvious hanger-on, a follower, was a young witch with brown skin, eyes with gray irises, pointy ears, and hair that comes in tones of pinkish-gray and deep mauve held up in a ponytail. She wears a gray dress-uniform common to Hexside students with a black sash and black cowl clasped with a golden pin atop it. Her leggings and sleeves are red, the colors representing the Bard track. She also wears gold studded earrings.

The one with the two-tone hair spoke. “Really, Willow? More humans? Where DO you find them? Get them out of here, they’re cluttering up the school!”

Three eyes chimed in. “Ugh! Humans? They’re filthy and venomous and breed like rats! Still, half-a-witch managed to find someone with less magical ability than she has!”

“Shut up, Boscha. It’s not her fault she has no talent.” Two-tone said.

“I always thought humans were kinda interesting.” The third girl said.

“Shut up, Skara.” The other two snapped at her.

Willow blushed and kind of caved in on herself, face in hands. Pacifica stepped up. “Dear, your roots are showing. And those outfits? Sad.”

“Check out their little shoes!” Mabel added.

“Uniforms are supposed to be uniform, dummy! These people…” Pacifica indicated all of the other students. “obviously got theirs from a bin marked one size fits nobody. But you went out and spent money on something you could probably get for free! Do you think that makes you stylish? No, it just makes you stupid! Besides, class, true class will shine through even if you’re wearing a potato sack! Right, Mabes?” Pacifica asserted.

“You DID look better’n me, Paz! I’ll admit it! I like it! It has a whole Frankie and the Formicae vibe going on! 🎵 Stand and deliver your money or your life, Try and use a mirror no bullet or a knife!🎵” Mabel sang, pulling out her grappling hook and aiming it at the other green-haired girl’s face.

“You can’t treat me this way! I’m a Blight!” Two-tone protested.

“And I’m a Northwest. Big whoop. So your daddy’s rich. That can change, dearie. Trust me. Shit happens and daddy has to sell that big house on the hill. Is daddy backing the right horse? I bet he isn’t. Anyone stupid enough to pay for a tailored school uniform is too stupid to live!”

“The uniforms were mom’s idea!” The green-haired girl, Amity Blight objected.

“Oh, lord! I know this one, too! You have to be beautiful, you have to be a winner, you have to be the best. You’re not good enough, you’ll never be good enough, you can’t be good enough, good enough isn’t good enough, only best is good enough. Winning and looks, that’s all that matters. Once upon a time there was an ugly duckling. His face looked weird, so he had no friends. The end. It doesn’t have to be that way, you know?” Pacifica answered, bitterly.

“You don’t understand! I can’t show weakness!” Amity said.

“Oh, I understand! You don’t! Bitchiness isn’t strength, it’s stupid! I was just like you, had my little posse, treated people like dirt and then I ran into this one!” Pacifica reached out and hugged Mabel to her. “She took it all, and STILL wanted to be friends! Not because I’m Pacifica Northwest, but because she wants to be friends with everyone! Are you calling her weak? She’s not, her and her brother will take on anything!” Pacifica went over and hugged Willow. “Now I just met Willow, here. But I know this! She can put up with your bullshit and still welcome me, a complete stranger, a human, as a friend! That’s strength, dearie!”

“(sniff) Thank you, Pacifica.” Willow said.

The wheels were turning in Mabel’s head. Pacifica had just made it clear how much she had in common with the Two-toned girl. But Mabel was noticing the extra books, the girl carried twice as many books as the other students, the Top Student badge, what appeared to be a journal or diary, and, yes, one of the books was from the Azura the Good Witch series! Mabel ran up and grabbed the girl by the cheeks.

“Boscha? It’s touching me!” Amity croaked.

“Omigod! PLEASE tell me you know a chubby guy in a gray jumpsuit with pretty hair and a time-travel tape-measure! Dip, Paz, look! I found your daughter!”

Boscha, the three-eyed girl, smirked. She was always pleased when she could show Amity up. Part of their mothers never ending competition. “Hey, Amity. Look what I can do! Can you do fire yet?” She crumpled up a piece of notebook paper, set it ablaze and threw it at Mabel. It fizzled away before it could reach her. Wards.

The humans ignored the magical attack on Mabel. Mabel had withstood an attack from Tiamat, the glistening one last semester. What the Babylonian goddess of creation, the sea, and chaos was doing in a ladies room in Santa Clarita was another issue. Suffice it to say, some of the students at CalArts get up to some interesting hijinks.

“We don’t have a daughter, Mabes.” Dipper asserted.

“Not yet! But look at her!” Mabel turned Amity’s face to them “Mean girl with a heart of gold brainiac! Top student! Blendin’s GOTTA be involved, right?”

“Mabel, she’s not human. Look at her ears, look at her eyes. Besides, I’d like to think that I’d raise my daughter better than that.” Pacifica argued. 

“But…but…oh, alright! I guess so!” Mabel took one last, lingering look at the young witch and released her face. “Whoa, I think I just figured out why Luz wanted me to have green hair! Girl, you are in for a world of fun! Lucky thing!”

While the humans might have ignored the magical attack, other things didn’t. Two tall figures arrived, dressed in black with a blue tabard, gray gloves and pointed boots. They had the pointed ears one came to expect from a resident of the Boiling Isles. They either wore masks or their faces were naked bone, an upside down skull. If they were masks their wearers couldn’t see. If they were faces, they still couldn’t see, their eyelids were sewn shut. They bore something like a shepard’s crook. They both sniffed the air.

“Trouble?” Asked one.

“Trouble.” Agreed the other. One hooked Boscha in a crook and started dragging her away.

“Amity! Do something!” Boscha cried. 

Amity stood in front of one of the things. “Stop! She was dealing with intruders in the school! Humans!”

The other sniffed at Mabel. “Trouble.” It concluded. It snagged the girl but its crook dissolved. “Trouble!” The two things looked at each other with the eyes they didn’t have. “Trouble!” they agreed. The first one stopped taking Boscha away. This was above their pay grade.

Amity concentrated and made a spell circle. “Abomination, rise.” She intoned. A purple and black homunculus rose from the floor. It wasn’t a particularly large abomination, only about six feet tall. Still better than she had managed at the covention center yesterday. But her vat was nearby. ‘Abomination, seize!” she ordered.

The abomination tried to grab Mabel and turned into a purple and black puddle on the floor with three blinking eyes.

“Oh, Amity. You don’t have anything to show, do you? As top plant track student, it’s my duty to tell you to keep at it. Even you could get a passing grade again someday.” Willow told her tormenter, smugly.

Mabel pulled out her wand. “Ortus est abominationem!” she commanded. Mabel’s idea of an abomination was different from the common conceit of the Boiling Isles. A flaming fissure opened up in the floor and several tentacles emerged. The students who had gathered around stepped back, but one wasn’t quick enough. He was pulled into the void and the crack closed up leaving the floor as whole as it had ever been. Boscha watched with intense interest. “Oops!” Mabel said.

The crowd of students and faculty which had gathered to watch the drama unfold parted to allow Principal Hieronymus Bump through. Principal Bump is an old man, presumably, with wrinkles surrounding his upper lip. His skin is light beige and he has teal eyes with light yellow sclera. He wears a red demon (Frewin) on his head that covers up half of his face, which gives him the appearance of being consumed by said demon. He wears a traditional academic dress consisting of a long black gown with a gold yoke and a black cape, gold trim at the sleeves and cape hem, plus a blue stole draped over his shoulders. He took in the scene and accurately found the cause. “Willow Park. Bringing in more humans? Didn’t you learn your lesson the last time?”

“Principal Bump, you banned Luz! I didn’t think you banned all humans. It isn’t their fault!”

“True enough, I didn’t. What’s going on here?” Bump asked, reasonably.

“Trouble.” The two guards said together.

“Amity and Boscha were picking on Willow and her friends. Boscha threw a fireball at one of them!” explained a short purple pig-nosed student.

“Trouble.” Agreed the guard with Boscha in its crook.

“I see.” Bump said. He turned to the nearest faculty member, the kindergarten teacher. “Is it grudgby season yet?”

“Not for weeks, sir. Next semester.” The spider lady answered him. Mabel used her phone to snap a picture of the kindergarten teacher.

“Right. Take her to detention, then.” Bump said.

“You can’t DO this to us! I’m a Blight!” Amity wailed.

Principal Bump approached the young witch, took her face in his hand and lifted her bodily so her face was inches from his. Her boots were dangling off the ground.

“Miss Blight. I’m telling you this because I like you. You’re possibly our finest student, you work hard, you’re going to surpass your father in the abomination track. You don’t as a rule cause trouble, unlike your siblings. You make Hexside look good. But you need to understand. There is nothing the Blight family can do to influence me. Myself, Principal Varo at Glandis High, and Headmaster Bauer from St. Epiderm are all de facto members of the Emperor’s coven. Between us, we have almost a thousand years of advanced witchery. We are in the Emperor’s coven because he needs us. We do not need him. He is merely preferable to the savage ages. We lived through the savage ages, miss Blight. Your father, while brilliant, was a troublemaker like your siblings. Your mother, quite frankly, is an idiot. The worst oracle Hexside has ever produced. I have run this school for nearly three-hundred years and no Blight is going to stop me. Alador and Odalia will simply have to learn to accept that. Now clean up this abomination mess and get to class!” He gently lowered her to the ground.

“Miss Park. While I appreciate that you didn’t mean any harm, your human friends have caused quite a disturbance. I wish you could keep your enthusiasms in check. Augustus, you can appreciate humans all you want, just don’t disrupt my school with them. Miss, um, human girl, I can see that you’re warded beyond belief. I respectfully ask that you and your friends leave my institution and allow us to carry on trying to instill knowledge, wisdom, or at least basic competence into the sad fools it is our misfortune to teach.”

“Call me Mabel, mister! Love your hat! I think we can do that, we never meant to cause any trouble!”

“Frewin? I’ve had him for years, or he has me, it’s hard to tell anymore. Thank you, if you’d like a tour of the school, please come see me next time. Hmm, warded humans summoning tenticular horrors, I can see I need to rethink some things….” Principal Bump muttered as he returned to his office.

Dipper, Mabel, and Pacifica filed out of the school. Luz was sitting on the steps waiting for them. “Guys! That was quick, I thought you’d take longer. How was it? Great, right?”

“We had a bit of a confrontation. Mabel might’ve summoned Cthulhu. Other than that, it was fine.” Dipper explained.

“Whoa, you can DO that? Wow! There’s no way I’m better than you!” Luz said.

“It was nothing, I had a wand! Besides, it wasn’t Cthulhu, it was just a generic bunch of tentacles! I feel kinda bad about that kid, though!” Mabel replied.

“The Principal and teachers didn’t seem too concerned, Mabes. I’ll bet he’ll be fine! It is a magic school, after all.” Pacifica told her.

“Whew, that’s a relief!” Mabel admitted.

“Hey, Mabes? Why’d you get a picture of the spider lady?” Dipper asked.

“You gotta be kidding, a-bro-mination! Remember when we told Grunkle Ford about Darlene? How he was all ‘I want pictures of spider-woman! Someone get me pictures of spider-woman!’ I’m not going through THAT again!”

“Okay, fair enough.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised Amity. I didn't promise NICE Amity. I hope I got Bump right, I love him. Yeah, Boscha got the idea for the water balloons from Mabel. There is no Boschlow. There will NEVER be Boschlow in one of my fics. I have a weakness for J.K. Simmons references and I never made this one before.
> 
> Oh, the Residents joke! Maybe this'll help! https://youtu.be/fcI5rNR5TGMf 
> 
> And if you're interested, Adam and the Ants. https://youtu.be/4B2a6l6wM2k

**Author's Note:**

> This is just going to be slice of life. Don't expect any great drama. It's mainly to see if I can get the voices of the Owl House characters right.


End file.
